A (Long) Letter to My Daughter

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I feel like all I ever write about is my awful love life. While there is ample content to share on that sorry subject, today is not the day.

My birthday was last week and I had the idea of writing a type of “life lessons” letter to my daughter. That’s a letter that could easily turn novel as there is so much that I want my precious pre-teen to understand.  I tailored this letter to her and some of what she’s currently going through in her life as an adolescent 6th grade girl.

Dear M.,

You, my girl, are the sunshine of my life. I love you so much.  As I’m celebrating a birthday and reflecting on my life and the many, many things I’ve learned, I wanted to share some (well, okay…a lot) of different thoughts with you.

You have seen me happy; you have seen me sad.   You have heard me laugh uncontrollably; you have seen me cry hysterically.  You have watched me offer love and support; you have watched me breakdown in frustration and anger.  The point I’m trying to make is that life is beautiful, but it’s not always perfect or easy.  Sometimes life is hard, very hard.  Sometimes we struggle and we fail.  Sometimes people are incredibly mean and hurtful.  But my daughter…sometimes life is so amazingly fun and beautiful.  Sometimes things go our way, we reach our goals, we find success, and we are as happy as can be.  Sometimes people are so very kind and thoughtful that their generosity brings us to tears.

No matter what happens in my life or your life, I will always love you. I’m proud of you and I’m proud to be your mom.

Things to remember…

Even though dad and I are divorced, we both love you so very much. I know it seems really unfair that J. and G. live with dad and get to see him each day.  You’re right; he was your dad first.  I know at times that makes you sad and I understand why you feel that way.  Unfortunately, there is no easy or magical way to fix this, but I hope you know dad loves you just as much as he loves his other kids.  That I promise you!  There are times that I still get sad and upset that dad and I are divorced, especially during the holidays.  It’s okay and totally normal for both you and I to miss dad at times.

Love is not a fairy tale. We’ve watched many a Disney Princess fall in love and be rescued by a prince.  In real life, true love does not work that way.  Love takes time – – you don’t see a cute Prince Charming (or Prince Eric or Flynn Rider, etc.) and immediately fall in love.  In my opinion, the most important things in a relationship are:  trust, honesty, respect, loyalty, friendship, communication, connection, and support.  But even more important than that is self-love.  In order to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else, you must first learn to love yourself.  Please don’t ever look for a boy to make you happy  – – that doesn’t work!  In the beginning it might, but in the end if you put all of your hope and happiness into a boy and he leaves, it will crush your heart.  Trust me, I know.  Be smarter than me.  Besides…the happier you are with yourself the more you will radiate positivity and confidence and those are two very attractive qualities.

I know you cringe when you hear the “S” word…sex, there I said it. I won’t go on and on, but this is what I want you to always remember.  Sex is special.  It was created by God.  It is not something you should EVER let a boy pressure you into.  Having sex when you are young is risky for many reasons.  When a girl has sex with a boy and then they break up, it so unbelievably painful; emotionally it destroys a girl.  You don’t ever want to experience that pain.  There is also a risk of getting pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted disease.  Oh girl…your future is too bright and promising for that.  As you get older and into your teen years, sadly…some (maybe even a lot) of your classmates will have sex.  Just because others are doing it, doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for you and your future.  I spent 16 years teaching about this…I’m not just an old fashioned fun sponge that doesn’t understand kids these days – – I know the risks, I know the emotional devastation it causes and I want more for you! If/when you ever want to talk about this, I promise to listen without judgment and to offer the best, most honest advice I know.

Again, as you get older some of your classmates are going to do other things that can really hurt them, trash their reputation, and ruin their future. I’m talking things like sexting (sending inappropriate – like nude – pictures of themselves), smoking, vaping, drinking alcohol and doing drugs.  First, sexing is just wrong (and illegal for someone under the age of 18 – – not that anyone over 18 should be doing it either).  There is a reason we get dressed before we go out in public, that’s because it would be humiliating and mortifying for everyone to see us naked.  The same concept applies to sexting because those types of pictures get spread around, like WAY around.  My dear beautiful daughter, please know that sending a semi-nude or nude picture of yourself is not sexy, or hot, or cute.  Please love, cherish, and respect yourself enough to never do that.  There will be girls who are either so desperate to get a boy’s attention or to be liked that they will send those kinds of pictures.  Please don’t be one of those girls.  Value yourself and your body more than that!  And if a boy ever asks you to send a nude pic – – just no!  That request is 100% proof that he does not respect you.  Along the same lines…modesty is such a respectable quality.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve just rolled my eyes and shook my head at teenage girls and even grown women who walk around and post pictures with their boobs and butts hanging out.  Like seriously…even though some guys might find that “hot” – – those guys are not the kind you want around.  They are the type that will care more about your looks/body than your heart and your emotional well-being.  Stay away – – far away; they are a heartbreak just waiting to happen.

When it comes to smoking, vaping, drinking, and drugs, my hope is that you will not do it. Teenagers (and even adults) often turn to these things because they are first pressured into it, they are curious, or they are looking for an escape.  While it’s true, that in the moment, drugs are supposed to make you feel good – – that good feeling lasts only a very short time and then what?  Then people become highly obsessed and addicted.  They can’t function without the drugs.  That is a horribly sad life to live.  I have personally seen addictions (to cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana/weed, and prescription drugs such as pain killers and Xanax).  Nobody ever thinks they’ll become addicted but millions and millions of people do – it’s never worth it.  And think about junior high and high school – – if you try it, you will face consequences at school and in sports.  You’ve seen some of my cheerleaders lose the opportunity to do something they love because they made a bad choice with drinking alcohol and smoking weed.  Be smart, kiddo.   While there will be classmates that drink and smoke and so call “party” and even brag about it on social media – – there will be plenty that do not – – find and be friends with those kids.  If every “cool kid” parties and shares it on their snapchat for attention – – take pride in NOT being a “cool kid” and be proud of yourself for being smart, thinking about your future, and making good choices.  Consequences last so much longer than any party or “fun” moment.

Along with growing up and entering junior high and high school, sadly…the drama is probably going to get worse. How can that be, right? It’s already been kind of ridiculous in 5th and 6th grades.  My advice is to stay away from gossip and don’t get wrapped up in rumors and talking poorly about people.  Oh. My. Word.  It is pointless, stupid, hurtful, and a waste of your time and energy.   I think the best ways for you to avoid a lot of drama is to find a good friend group, don’t talk about other people, don’t post everything you do and think on social media, don’t be totally boy crazy and desperate for a relationship, don’t do the risky things I just mentioned (drinking, smoking, drugs, sexting) and simply be a nice person.  Don’t give people negative and controversial stuff to talk about.  And if/when people do talk negatively about you – – you have to learn to be the bigger person; to not believe the hurtful things they say.  It’s not easy, but it’s so much better to just ignore it.

When it comes to friendships, I keep circling back to the same thought…find a good friend group! This is so important, more important than being considered a “cool kid” – – you are who you hang with. What does that even mean?  If you hang around kids that do bad things, eventually you’re going to follow them and do bad things too.  Find friends that make good choices.  Find friends that are kind, supportive, and trustworthy.  Find friends that care about the same things you do (like school, sports, music, art, their future, etc.).  Find friends that will stick up for you and be there for you.  True friends that genuinely care about you will not ask you to do bad things like drinking, drugs, stealing, vandalizing…anything that is wrong.  And be a good friend too…that’s just as important.

Be a girl’s girl! Say what? What’s that? A girl’s girl is a girl that encourages and supports other girls.  Instead of being jealous , mean, petty, and gossipy – – you raise other girls up.  You give compliments, you offer support, you smile (instead of giving a dirty look), you don’t call them names, you get to know them and give them a fair chance before you decide you don’t like them.  You don’t start mean rumors and you don’t do shady things like steal another girl’s boyfriend (that’s such a no no!).  It’s not that hard or complicated – basically just treat others how you want to be treated.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Oh my goodness – – it is so easy to think, “I wish I was Alexis.  She’s so pretty.  Her hair is gorgeous.  She has flawless skin.  She’s popular.  She’s perfect” – – she’s not perfect; nobody is.  Every single girl has insecurities – – even Alexis.  Some girls might act like their life is fabulous every single day, but it’s not.  Every person experiences good and bad days.  You might think Alexis is pretty as a princess, but Alexis might not feel the same about herself (even if she acts like she does and even if she posts countless “happy” selfies).  Every girl struggles at times – – this I know for sure.  Even Kate Middleton and Meghan Markel struggle although they always look perfectly put together on TV and online.

I know there are times that you feel ugly because of acne or frizzy hair that won’t cooperate. Please believe that it is normal to feel that way; it is a part of growing up.  You are not the only girl that gets pimples (even though it SUCKS), you are not the only girl that screams and cries on occasion because her hair is wildly out of control, you are not the only girl that has a closet full of clothes but can’t find anything cute to wear.  It’s normal.  But also…I hope you look in the mirror and see what I see:  A beautiful girl with gorgeous eyes, long lashes, cute cheeks, and a smile that lights up a room.

There are many things that will always be more important than your looks, such as:  your personality, your attitude, your character, your heart, how you treat other people, and your work ethic. A pretty face can’t make someone laugh and it can’t be there for someone that is going through a rough time.  Although some people are absolutely stunning in the looks department, they have personalities that are so awful that you want to run away from them.  Your character – which is who you are…things like your integrity, your morals and your values (the things you know are right and wrong) those will forever be more important than things like how clear your skin is, how white your teeth are, and how shiny your hair is.  I love and admire elderly people, but with age their skin wrinkles and their physical beauty often begins to fade.  Does that make them worthless…quite the opposite!  Their life experiences make them incredibly knowledgeable and absolutely cherished.

I can’t say enough about work ethic. The harder you work, the bigger the pay off – this is true for school, athletics, music, dance, art, and any future job or career that you might have.  Always strive for your best in everything that you do, but realize you are going to make mistakes (everybody does) and that you don’t have to be perfect.   When you do make mistakes, especially big mistakes – learn from them!  Learn what you did wrong, think about what you could have done differently, and don’t repeat those mistakes again.  If you do something wrong or do something that hurts someone else, always offer a sincere apology.  And when you’ve been wronged, it’s important to forgive people.  Holding grudges and staying angry and bitter is such a waste of your energy – – it really is (I know, I’ve done it).  It’s better to just let things go and move on with your life.

When it comes to things that are kind of difficult for you, like math (oh how I relate) don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself.   Just because you struggle to solve some math equation doesn’t mean you are dumb.  I remember how much math used to stress me out in school and honestly it wasn’t worth it. You have made leaps and bounds in not giving up and at least trying and that’s what matters!  If you get a math problem wrong or you fail a math quiz…so what.  All I ask (and all that your teachers ask) is that you genuinely try.  I’ll always be proud of that type of effort.

God created us and gave each of us unique talents. While math might not be a strong skill for you, look at the talents he gave you!  You have excellent handwriting, you excel in spelling, you have an expansive vocabulary, you’re a strong reader and an outstanding writer, you are extremely talented in art, and you can play the clarinet.  I couldn’t even read music notes at your age…true story (and I was in band too!).  While good grades are important, they aren’t everything!  How you treat others at school (including the adults that are in charge) and your character are far more important.

Since we’re on the subject of school, let’s talk bullying. I know how difficult 5th grade was for you due to bullying – by both a boy and girl.  You have to understand that the awful things said to you were completely false – – unfortunately you were just the kid they targeted.  Kids often bully because they are looking for any kind of attention, even negative attention.  Kids that bully have a poor self-esteem.  Somehow making others feel bad makes the bully feel…stronger, smarter or better than the person they are bullying.  That’s some warped thinking!  I can’t understand how making another human being feel completely sad and awful could make anyone feel good, but it happens.

We’ve talked about bullying, read books, and watched movies about this subject. We can’t understand how some of the characters in the movies can be so incredibly cold-hearted and mean to both Auggie and Clarissa.  It hurt our hearts to learn that people called Lizzie Velasquez, “the ugliest person in the world”  – – how cruel!!!  She was born with a genetic condition that she has absolutely no control over and yet people just continue to hate on her.  That’s horrible and there is no excuse or justification for ever talking to someone like that.  I hope you know that just because someone says something degrading (like you’re ugly or stupid) it does NOT mean it’s true.  I also hope that if you see someone being picked on, continually teased and made fun of, that you will do something different – – that you will support the targeted person.   Stand up and say/do something.  It’s NEVER okay to laugh at or make fun of another person for looking different or having a disability.  Be a good example and don’t engage in behavior that is hurtful and hateful.  Instead offer kindness, compassion, and understanding – – do the loving thing.

When you are going through a hard time, I would encourage you to find healthy outlets. Those are positive things that you can do to help relieve stress, make yourself more relaxed, lessen anxiety, and improve your mood.  Some ideas are:  listening to music, journaling, reading, art, doing hair, taking a bath, exercise…anything that helps to calm you down and makes you feel better.  Praying and talking to God are also extremely helpful.  Sometimes things seem so overwhelmingly bad and stressful that you can start to feel like it will never get better, but I promise…it will get better!  Sometimes it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience, but eventually better and brighten days will appear.  It’s so important to remember that and to always remain hopeful.

Be grateful for the things that you have. You might not live in the biggest, fanciest house.  You might not have the most expensive clothes and shoes or the latest iphone, but…realize and be thankful for what you do have.  Not everyone has a roof over their head.  Not everyone has plenty of food to eat.  Not everyone has lots of clothes to wear.  Not everyone has a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in at night. Not everyone has a family that loves them.  You are very blessed; always be appreciative for the things that you have and the people who love and support you.

I would encourage you to try new things – from food to music to sports and new activities – – step out of your comfort zone! How will you know if you don’t like something unless you try it?  You loved being in the Wizard of Oz and you love being in band.  If you wouldn’t have had the courage to try those new things you would have missed out on things that you really enjoyed.  Life is an adventure so go for it!

Try not to worry so much. Sometimes we spend so much time worrying about and stressing over things that we think might happen, but they never actually happen.  What a waste of our time and energy!  There are so many things we can’t control – – things like other people, the weather, traffic, and the long line at the store…the list could go on and on.   All we can control is ourselves.  It’s better to just do our best each day and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to – worrying will not change anything – – a more helpful and productive option is praying about something that worries you.

I think it’s important to get outside and enjoy nature; it’s refreshing and rejuvenating – – watch the sunset, smell a flower, put your toes in the sand, go for a walk in the woods, look up at the stars. There is something so wonderful and peaceful about nature.

On occasion junk food, fast food, sweets, and candy are all okay and you should treat yourself every once in a while, but it’s important to eat healthy and exercise on a regular basis. You will have more energy and feel better about yourself.  Working out is such a mood booster!  Make exercise fun.  If you hate doing something it will be very difficult to find the motivation to do it.  Find an exercise or physical activity that you enjoy; something that you actually look forward to doing.

There is so much I more I could say, but this is enough for now. Let me wrap it up!

I love you little lady. I’m proud of you and your accomplishments.  As you continue to grow up, I hope you will always remember who you are and what’s important to you – – always stay true to yourself.  I hope you will listen to your gut – – if something doesn’t feel right – – don’t do it!  I hope you will have a big, loving heart and do nice, helpful, and thoughtful things for others.  I hope you will stand up for yourself and others, especially those that are picked on.  I hope you push yourself and work hard and don’t give up when things seem too hard in the beginning.  I hope you will do your best to have a positive attitude and to remain both optimistic and hopeful even when life gets tough. I hope you will think about the potential consequences of your actions before you do something that might get you in trouble.  I hope you will never look to a boy to bring you happiness – – find that in yourself and the things that you love!  I hope you will believe in yourself and all that you can achieve.  I hope you will grow in your confidence, acceptance, and love for yourself.  And I hope that no matter how uncomfortable, awkward, difficult, scary, nerve-wracking, or maybe even embarrassing something might be – – if you want to talk or need advice…please come to me.  I will always listen.

Thank you for being my sunshine no matter how dark and gloomy things have been.   I love you.

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Realization

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Well…it’s been nearly 2 months since I last wrote.   In that time, I definitely had some good moments – – dare I even say great moments?  But don’t get too excited for me just yet.  In preparation for what’s about to be typed, I just sighed so heavily that I’m pretty sure my curtains swayed.  Yep, that was one pitiful deep breath; here goes…

I think I’ve come to the painful realization that I’ll always be the girl that guys describe as great…amazing…beautiful inside and out. No worries I’m not becoming a raging narcissist.  I’ll be that girl that is described that way, yet always left.  Why?

This makes no sense to me. If I’m so fucking amazing and beautiful and smart and funny and blah, blah, blah…then why am I so temporary?  Why am I a good option for the short-term, but not long-term?

Am I like pumpkin spice in the fall? So damn good for a season, but then just ehhhhh?  Awesome and highly desired for a period of time, but then carelessly discarded for a better flavor/option?

I’m starting to thoroughly believe that my relationship destiny is just this – – that I’m good for a short period of time, but that’s it.

There’s much more to be said…My ex-husband cheated. Matt cheated.  Todd cheated (he “only” admits to an emotional affair but c’mon – I’m sure the heinous pattern of fornication also continued with him).  I haven’t really given any info on Chad (he didn’t cheat…he’s a once potential mate…turned friend…turned potential mate again…turned friend again).  Are you thinking wtf, like I am?  When it comes to relationships, what a shit show!

I wish I could scoop my daughter up and whisk us both away to a destination filled with sunshine, ocean breezes, palm trees, and fresh beginnings. Since that is not exactly in my single mom budget, it’s time to focus on God, my daughter, my family, my career, my physical, mental, and emotional wellness.

My birthday was a few days ago. As I was reflecting on my existence and purpose in this world, I thought of something I really wanted to write about.  Something meaningful and more importantly… free of my incessant ramblings about unfaithful men and my shitty relationships – – I hope that can be the next update I post.  Until then…happy fall ya’ll and please know…I’m trying, I’m trying…

Something’s gotta give…

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Like seriously…I’m done. I surrender; I’m waving the white flag. I am sad. I am angry. I am depressed.  This summer has been shittier than I would have ever expected – full of nothing but difficult changes, painful heartache, maddening frustration, and utter disappointment.   I was so looking forward to a July 4th week of vacation in beautiful Gulf Shores and you guessed it…that didn’t happen.  That was supposed to be me, the boyfriend, his mom, his kids, and my daughter.  My heart aches just typing that and thinking about it.  The truth is…each day is a struggle to even get out of bed.  Honestly, I want to sleep the pain and sadness away.  Right now I suck as a mom, a coach, an employee, a friend…I’ve got nothing left to give.

I was not naïve enough to think that once my divorce was final and I healed from that misery that life would be nothing but magical happiness, but Lord have mercy…I also never thought I’d have my heart shattered again and again. It’s becoming my life story.  I wasn’t anticipating having days and days of complete sadness.  I wasn’t planning on or mentally prepared for another agonizing occurrence of feeling worthless and not good enough and yet…here I am.

Have you ever cried in bed while thinking some really dark thoughts and questioning God? I have…I wonder:

What is my purpose?

Why don’t things (mainly relationships) work out for me?

Why am I not good enough?

Why tell me you love me and then leave me?

What could I have done differently/better?

What does she have to offer that I don’t?

How I went from a bubbly, giggly, goofy, and extremely positive adolescent to the woman who is sitting here, wiping away the tears while she types…perhaps I’ll never know. Or maybe I do already know – – maybe it’s the failed relationships, being cheated on, being lied to, being left for someone else.  I am a strong person (or at least I used to be), but in regards to love, one can only take so many hits before she just gives up on everything.

I’m tired of these tsunami-like waves of emotions and explosions of sadness that continue to torment me. I could be sitting at my desk, driving, watching a TV show, making dinner, mowing the yard…and boom – – the sadness strikes and hot tears roll down my cheeks.  Why?  Why is this the life I’m living? How do I heal?  How do I get better?  Why can’t I be like a guy and just move on with no loss, no guilt, no sadness, no attachment?  I understand the saying, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” – – but really is that going to help me? Um no…

I’ve cried the tears, I’ve had the stereotypical moments of stuffing myself with ice cream and pizza, I’ve had no appetite and lost weight, I’ve been on a few dates to try and get myself out of the house and have some fun…not much is helping.

On the dates I’ve been on – all three guys have expressed an interest and wanted to get to know me better and I’m just MEH about it. In fact, after the first date I cried the whole way home because we had a nice dinner, but it wasn’t with the person I wanted it to be with.  Please  know that when I say “dates” I am NOT trying to get into a relationship – – I simply wanted to get out of the house, feel attractive to the opposite sex, and maybe laugh a little.

For those that I have shared my sadness with (and it’s not many because outside of this blog I’m a closed book) I’m not going to sugar coat it – – when they make some comment about God closing a door, etc. it takes everything in me to not throat punch them. While I know the encouragement comes from a good place, I just can’t handle hearing that right now. If feels like the automatic, standard reply when someone is hurting and damn it…my pain and my feelings of sadness are real and are justified.  While I believe in God and I believe I’ll get through this…the trite and traditional responses just aren’t helping me.  The “his loss” comments aren’t helping either.

It is my hope that the next time I have a loved one, a friend, an athlete, anyone that comes to me for support, that I remember how those cliché comments made me feel and I’ll offer a more empathetic, personalized means to offer comfort.

It’s probably not doing anything healthy in regards to my healing and feeling better, but oh how I’ve connected to these quotes recently:

I feel myself changing. I don’t laugh the same anymore, I don’t smile the same anymore, or talk the same.  I’m just so tired of everything, mentally.

How can a man throw away a girl who is working on her future, working hard, who’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, and that genuinely loves him and only wants to be with him and is proud to have him, like how is a man so dumb.

There’s still women out here that don’t want anything from a man. Not money, materialistic things, nothing…nothing but trust, love, support, and lots of affection.  I’m her.  She is me.  I’m one of those women.

You don’t’ know pain until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face and you’re begging yourself to just hold on and be strong. THAT is pain.

Have you ever been so sad that you just really want to be alone, but at the same time you really wish there was someone who you can talk to.

My dear, it is not that I fear falling in love. I am in love with many things in this world.  I love animals, I love my family, I love my friends, I love sunsets, I love a lot of things.  What I do fear, however, is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they do not feel the same about me.  To me, that is how you die while still breathing and you can never recover from that no matter how hard you try.  The scariest part about that is that you’re never going to know if you’re falling for the wrong person.  That’s what I’m afraid of.

 ^^^That is 100% me/my reality.  I wish it was more like this:

Don’t worry, he’ll miss you. You’re the best he could get, and he blew it.  Don’t let him make you think for one second that this was your fault.  It’s not.  He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So sad

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It’s a beautiful summer day. The sky is blue, the birds are chirping, and the temperature is near perfection at 71 degrees.  And yet here I sit at my desk with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I wish I was a carefree kid again.  I wish I was on summer break with no substantial worries or concerns.  I wish I could spend the night with friends, laugh hysterically until my stomach hurts, binge on junk food, and sleep in until 11:00am.  I wish I didn’t have to stress about bills, household chores, home improvements, what to make for dinner, how to get everything done, work, relationships, etc.

Since I can’t pull a Freaky Friday and be a kid again, I wish I was a person that embraced change, but I’m not. I like a routine.  I like stability and security, but that is not what life is handing me these days.

My co-worker of fourteen years/one of my besties resigned and work is not the same without her. We shared an office and looking over at her empty desk just makes me sad.  I can’t even get into the craziness of what we dealt with at work, but she made it not only tolerable; she made it fun.  I have a couple of jobs and at my other job (as race coordinator) my boss, the race director, has also resigned.  Two people that I genuinely enjoyed working with have called it quits.  While I hope for nothing but the best for each of them, it’s hard to see them go.

For my full time job, without the companionship of my work bestie, and the fact that my director can’t lead the way out of a paper bag, I need to find a new job. That’s hard especially because I’ve been there for 20 years (yes…20), I don’t like change (as mentioned above), and I have a dream schedule with the flexibility to work from home at times.  I certainly don’t want to give up that flexibility, but it’s just not good – there’s no direction or leadership and I’m not feeling challenged or like I’m working to my fullest potential.  I’m just there.  I want more than just being there.  I have more to offer than just being there.

At home I feel overwhelmed with the multitude of things that need done and the amount of time and budget I have as a single mom. My garage is a mess – – and still holds some of Matt’s shit – GRRRRRR – – the same is true for my basement, back yard, and spare bedroom.  None of that crap holds any sentimental value to me; some of it is just too big/bulky/heavy for me to toss in the trash.  His old shitty riding mower sits in my back yard with no key and a flat tire so how I am ever going to get rid of that?  On top of that, I have walls that need painted, trim that needs repaired (shout out to my golden doodle who chewed that), carpet that needs replaced, a fence and deck that need stained, a basement that is so full of the kiddo’s old stuff that I get anxiety just going downstairs.  Omg…the list could go on for days.

And the worst…my love life. I don’t think I have the strength to ramble on and on about it, but…I have been in a relationship for about 9 months.  It’s a great story – – a cheer coach (me) and soccer coach fall in love.  Now we all know there’s lots more details and information to be shared, but that’s the gist of it.  The cheer coach finally found a man with character and integrity, a man with an outgoing and fun personality, a man that is fantastic with kids, a man that treats her well, a man with a heart of gold.  This man teaches geography, is a soccer and unified track coach, and assists with swimming.  He’s funny, cute, thoughtful, and sweet. He’s sensitive and hard working.  He gives great speeches and encouragement.  He accepts people for who they are.  He’s helpful and kind.  He would do anything for anyone.  He makes me laugh.  He can cook.  He’s organized and efficient.  He’s a great dad who loves his boys so very much.  He’s got a great sense of style.  He’s athletic.  He’s smart.  He’s always chatty and friendly to the uber driver. He’s up for a night out and fine with a night in.  He’s competitive at board games.  He’s silly. He likes naps (like me).  You get it, right?  He’s amazing and such a catch.

What’s so heartbreaking about all of this is that our relationship is taking a break or ending or whatever because of circumstances completely out of my control. I guess that’s the way it goes for the end of most relationships.  Sometimes it’s mutual, but often there is one person that wants nothing more but to stay together.  Well that’s me again…I want nothing more but to stay together.

It would still hurt, but I could understand things better if our relationship was full of drama, or fighting, or lies, or anything negative, but we didn’t have that. We got along great.  We had fun together.  We trusted each other.  We laughed and confided in each other.  We made each other happy.  We had similar values.  We had things in common.  We worked hard at being open and honest with each other knowing that communication is so important.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why I’m always the one to get my heart broken. I am so hesitant to open up in a relationship and to be emotionally vulnerable.  When I finally do break through that insecurity and open up…this happens…my heart gets shredded to pieces again.

I don’t want to get into all of the details, but basically things are ending because of his ex-wife and a very busy schedule. To me, these are not good reasons to end something so good.  A busy schedule – – we could be creative and make it work.  I have a total of 3 jobs (health promotion, race coordinator, cheer coach) and I’m a single mom.  I know and live a busy schedule.  He’s obviously not teaching during the summer, but he’s crazy busy coaching and traveling for soccer. But to me…that’s okay.  I don’t have to see him every single day to feel important or connected to him.  On top of the stress of soccer madness, he’s dealing with an ex-wife that, well…you can probably guess.  I think it’s just all too much for him.  He’s a great person and he tries hard to make everyone happy.  I wish he could see and understand that his happiness matters too.  I wish that when life was extra chaotic he turned to me instead of pushed me away.  I want to be the hand he holds, not the one he brushes away.  It’s so hard because I know he never wanted to hurt me…but here I am tears and all.

I start to feel almost guilty or stupid because I need to find my own happiness with or without a man. I need to be thankful for what I do have – – and I am, but I right now I’m just so sad.  I’m sitting here writing and taking occasional breaks looking out the window of my 5th floor office questioning everything about this life.

I want so bad to see that dandelion as a wish, not just a weed – kind of the metaphor for my life.

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Will I ever trust again?

Do you ever have moments when all the shit you’ve been though suddenly begins to consume you? It really hits you – – all the lies, all the deceit, and all the sickening, selfish betrayal and you realize it might haunt you forever, especially in any future relationships you might have?  What an awful feeling.

The pain that I’ve experienced has made me so hesitant to show my emotions. I am so reluctant about opening up and letting people in.  Behind closed doors, there are times that the tears fall and I feel so defeated and sad.  When it’s a more upfront and personal encounter that makes my emotions flare, I’m likely to be sarcastic or to cop a mean girl attitude.

I hate that my past has made me so untrusting. I hate that I question whether people are really being honest with me.  I hate that the doubts and insecurities are still there, even when the two men that caused most of them are long gone.

I hate that even when it involves someone or something that I should indeed trust, I still have doubts. I hate that even when I feel happy I still have occasional dreams of someone (okay a MAN) lying to me or hurting me.

I hate that what I’ve been through has probably made me not the easiest gal to date because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my emotions, I have a very hard time trusting, and I jump to conclusions or go into “he’s full of shit” mode on a fairly regular basis.

I am so guarded. I’d rather be seen as independent, assertive, and tough then needy, clingy, and emotional.

Deep Sigh. Deep Sigh. Deep Sigh.

I know it’s probably at least somewhat normal to feel this way. There’s probably countless other ladies walking in the same shoes as me – – feeling just as doubtful because some jackasses did her wrong too.  I know that things take time, including learning to trust again.

I know that opening yourself up and giving someone a piece of your heart is always a risk…there is always the potential to have it ripped to shreds. My friends, it can’t just be me.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it gain, that’s some scary shit.

 

Holy emotions! (written last week, posted today)

It’s currently 1:32pm on Thursday, January 18, 2018. The temperature is a whopping 26 degrees.  I just had lunch with a girlfriend.  What I am doing now?  I’m in my car using the back of an old cheer schedule to document my feelings…trying to process some big emotions.  The restaurant we had lunch at is next to the bar where I confronted Matt.  Confronted Matt?!?  What’s that you say???

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever shared this information on my blog due to humiliation, shame, and not wanting to be judged or told what to do (insert comments such as: LEAVE HIS CHEATING ASS), but yes like my ex-husband, Matt also cheated on me.  It’s the self-esteem equivalent of being run over by a MACK truck multiple times.  If I have the timeline correct it was spring/early summer of 2015…about a year into our relationship.  Why bring that up now?

Like previously mentioned, things with Matt pretty much ended last Memorial Day weekend when he lied about taking Xanax. Yesterday it was brought to my attention that Matt is in a “Facebook official” relationship.  Um okay…whatev – – why do I care?  I’ve moved on; he’s moved on.  Deep sigh…it’s more than that.

Seeing “in a relationship with…” hit me like a ton of bricks…holy emotions! I felt almost sick; like nauseous…but why?  I spent almost 3 years with Matt.  In the beginning, he absolutely swept me off my feet.  After my divorce, he restored my faith in men and in relationships.  He is extremely charismatic and comes across as incredibly sincere and genuine.  He can pour on the charm and affection like he pours syrup on his pancakes – – think ooey gooey sugary sweet.  Look, I know this to be true because I experienced it first hand and he did the same thing with the woman he cheated with – – who just happens to also be named Courtney.  There’s a good chance he’s doing the same thing with the newest chica in his life.  It makes me want to vomit because I feel like I should have been smarter and more protective of my already damaged heart.  I should have listened closer to Nicole and Brooke, the ex-wives, who both reached out to me.  Shit…hindsight is everything.

After what I went through with Ben, I should have dropped Matt like a hot potato when the first red flag made an appearance. But as you know, I didn’t.  By that time, I had my love goggles on and I was under his magnetic spell.  We had what felt like an electrifying, captivating, exhilarating spark; it was so damn intense and energizing – – just what I needed after the ex’s affair that lasted for years.  I’m not going to sit here and act like I didn’t fall head over heels in love, because I did, and we really did have some fantastic times together, especially that first year (well you know…before the cheating).  I still want to believe we had a special connection.

As I sit here in the parking lot looking at the now closed bar that the other Courtney and I confronted him at…my stomach is in knots and that pain, anger, and sadness is rushing back. Courtney and I set him up.  I walked in and they were playing pool (we had talked and she told me where they’d be/what time to come).  When he saw me, you would have thought he had seen the most terrifying ghost to ever exist.  We all sat down at a booth…me on one side, him and Courtney on the other.  We called him out and he did what liars do…um yes…told lies while I pointed out the contradictions and the truth.

I remember looking at him and he was sweating like he had just finished a marathon on a hot, summer day. For once, the charismatic man with all the answers and excuses wasn’t able to charmingly talk his way out of this one.

At one point in our heated conversation he said, “I love her; I don’t love you” – – oh fucking really?!?!!? You don’t love me??? It would have hurt less and I would have healed quicker if he had punched me in the face.  Eventually she got up and walked out.  He chased after her…yep her, the other woman.  I sat in the booth in a numbed state of shock and utter disbelief.  When I found the strength to get up, I saw him in the parking lot very close to the spot where I’m currently parked.  She drove off and he was left standing there.  I melted into a bawling mess of emotions – – buckets of tears were running down my face; I could barely catch my breath or speak.  I felt paralyzed.  What the hell could I do…my head was spinning, I was practically choking from crying so hard.  I couldn’t think straight.  I turned to him, the man that had just destroyed me, for comfort or for something…I’m not even sure what.  We hugged, I think he apologized, and the rest is rather hazy.  At one point, I remember asking for my house key back.  Several sleepless nights and tear filled days followed.

I can’t even fathom how we put the pieces back together or what the fuck I was really thinking (probably that I didn’t want to lose the man that I loved). This much I know…when someone you love cheats on you, regardless of how angry or sad you are…you don’t instantly stop loving them and stop having feelings for them – – no matter what kind of hell they put you through, it takes time to heal.

Matt and I were back together and watching fireworks with the 3 youngest kiddos that Fourth of July. I don’t know if I really ever healed from that devastation.  If I had, would I be sitting here at this exact spot recalling the excruciating details of the confrontation?  Probably not.  At one point I was so enthralled with that man that I couldn’t share his cheating on my blog – – even with the reassurance that those who only know me in the world of cyberspace would most likely not judge, they would support me.  It’s kind of funny or maybe… it’s actually really sad that more judgments and criticism come from those that actually know you and claim to love you – – go figure!  My mom knew, my ex-husband knew.  Some of my closest friends knew, but I couldn’t find the courage to write about it until now.  Wowzers.

So the knowledge of Matt in a new relationship brought up all this emotional yuck – hmmm…clearly, this lady had some unprocessed emotions – – story of my life. For about .00001 second I was like, I don’t know, jealous (if that’s even the right word) because I know how amazing, attentive, and thoughtful he is at the start of a relationship.  But then flashbacks of all the drama, unpredictability, instability, manipulation, lies, deception, unfaithfulness, lack of finances, blame, guilt, and prescription drug abuse reminded me…that doesn’t make for a healthy or happy relationship.

I think it’s normal to feel a sting when you know your ex has moved on. For me the bigger anxiety producer was the cold reminder that there are no guarantees in love.  You can pour your heart and soul, everything you have into a relationship, and it might not be enough.  A man can tell you are his world and the next minute he can be secretly fucking someone else and/or making plans to break your heart. That is some scary shit  – – especially when you’ve been hurt multiple times.

I came to an interesting realization the other day

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If you didn’t catch my last post (or simply skipped over it because it was super long), my parents are currently living with me until their home is restored. In regards to TV watching, I don’t have anything but Amazon and Netflix.  My parents wanted more than that, so they temporarily transferred their Direct TV service to my home.  No complaints here as I’ve been able to catch a fair number of trashy reality TV shows on Bravo – – that’s totally a guilty pleasure of mine.

With all that watching, I came to the realization that Matt is very similar to Jax Taylor from the show Vanderpump Rules.

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I mean damn…Jax is um…FLIPPING HOT, but it’s so much more than that and that’s where the similarities come in. It’s been probably 3-4 years since I last had Direct TV and saw an episode of the show.  It’s crazy how the same dramatic people are still doing the same dramatic things – fighting, gossiping, cheating, lying, and getting wasted.

I remember watching episodes where Jax had slept with multiple women and of course lied about it. While his friends and co-workers were disgusted with his behavior, he always found a way to weasel his way back in or make some excuse for his behavior.

In a twisted way, he’s kind of fascinating to watch. His personality is like Matt’s (or vice versa).  He has an undeniable amount of charisma and charm.  He’s for sure a bit of a narcissist, a compulsive liar, and a womanizer.  Both are some smooth talkers – – the types that could sell ice to an Eskimo.

Jax is uber manipulative. He can flash a smile and bat his gorgeous eyes and then fill a head with one fabrication after another.  Matt can do that too. Do I know Jax? Um no, but I can see that both exude extraordinary charm and because of that, they can make a woman believe the most outlandish shit. Some people just have this knack for explaining their way out of every situation possible.  They will do and say anything to get you to believe them.  They will lie, blame, twist, manipulate, play the victim, and produce tears…whatever it takes and it will seem pretty genuine and sincere; pretty believable.

It seems like this type of person has a magnetic even hypnotic personality – – they can be super fun to be around. Their charm makes them very amusing and likeable.  They have big personalities and bigger faults – – but you get so captivated by their charm, attention, and affection that you don’t see things for what they really are.  You are captivated and blinded by the charisma that just oozes out of them so naturally.  And you know what… at least for Matt…I don’t think he’s some dark, demented person.  I think he’s a good person with a big heart.  He has many great qualities.  However, after looking back on things, I can much more clearly see the manipulation and scheming that took place.  Sadly, I think the overuse of prescription meds just compounded everything and created another layer of deceitfulness.  I mean…have you ever encountered complete transparency and consistent truth by someone abusing a substance?  No, you haven’t.

This is so accurate….

They seem like the perfect boyfriend, and in the beginning they are attentive, thoughtful, generous, and kind. You become enamored and are swept off your feet.  Although you maybe hear murmurings from friends or family (or in my case, Matt’s ex-wife) that he seems “too nice” you brush aside their comments. You only have eyes for him, and in those eyes, he’s “the one.”

The relationship moves quickly and he makes you feel chosen and special as if the secrets he shares are only between you two. He seeks your sympathy; telling you woes about his life and the people who have taken advantage of or hurt him.  He might even speak disparagingly about his “crazy”  ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, and you swallow the one-sided character assassination without question.

But for all of his perfect manners and perfect smile and perfectly attentive demeanor, this perfect catch hides a tremendous secret: beneath his polished and smiling façade is the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing.  He will disguise his true nature until it’s too late, and by then, you will have given your heart to this man.  You will have believed the flattery and promises of endless love until you are older, wiser, and emotionally crushed by his ways.

Ahhhh…another broken heart that has healed and another life lesson learned.

I’m just so thankful that I have moved forward and that I feel much more motivated to write, connect with God, and workout.

And I don’t care how smoking hot he is, no man is worth dishonesty and manipulation.

Crabby Pants is back…and ready for a new attitude

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I’m not sure what’s up with these 5-6 months that pass before I finally decide to sit down, write, and process things – that’s really not a good choice. I’ve become so bad at handling stress and coping with things in a rational, calm, healthy manner.  I get so overwhelmed and negative and frankly, I hate it.

Since it’s the end of December and almost the end of 2017 – – maybe I’m getting sentimental or nostalgic, but it’s time to do some reflecting and some much needed processing. The last time I wrote, I was Miss Angry Pants.  I’m not the girl that gets sad and cries (all that often).  Instead, I’m the girl that gets pissed off and attempts to hide her emotions – unhealthy, unhealthy, unhealthy.  You see, I stuff all of my anger and unwelcome emotions way under the surface.  I go through life doing what needs to be done – parenting, working, coaching, grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, etc.  All seems okay and then life tosses me the typical lemons and I about lose my mind.  I actually feel like I can handle a lot – I can manage a lot of stuff and a lot of details and sometimes I do it quite well.  However, other times I fail miserably.  Lately, it’s been a lot of failing miserably.  I think it’s because I’m not writing, I’m not going to church and not praying consistently, and I’m not working out so I have no healthy way of managing my stress.

At this point I’m probably writing for myself (which is totally fine) as my followers have probably assumed I jumped ship on this blog thing. If there’s anyone out there still reading/following let me share some of the lemons that have been hurled at me over the last several months.

– The relationship I had with Matt officially ended. It needed to end – it was unstable and it was filled with lies and deception.  No amount of good times and laughter are more important than trust and honesty.  The real kicker is that Matt called me recently and lectured me for a good 2 hours about the things I did that disappointed him. I cried and cried and cried some more.  All is okay – the puffiness in my eyes has since gone away and I think I needed that closure.  I spent nearly 3 years with that man – – tears were needed for healing.

– My ex got to leave the country again on a vacay – – that’s not really a lemon. I’m just jelly.  He’s been to Florida, Mexico, and Vegas and I’ve been to…um…Indiana – – oh the financial joys of being a single mom.

– My dramatic 11 year old had an ingrown toenail that had to be removed. OUCH…yes! But oh the agony of her whining, the four doctor appointments, the $1,000 bill, and my former sister-in-law telling her that her toe “was going to turn green and be cut off” if I didn’t take her to the doctor.  Oh yes…thank you, thank you, Shannon for telling my little worrier they would have to cut her toe off – – insert the most dramatic, sarcastic tone, and eye roll possible!

– My boss…I’m not going to elaborate as I’m so thankful for the flexibility that my job offers, but wow…it just adds to my negativity any irritability.

– My parent’s had a house fire in September. Thank God everyone is okay – my parents and their two dogs.  The fire was contained to a pretty small area, but the whole house has smoke damage.  They’ve been living with the kiddo and me.  Now don’t get me wrong…I love them!  I’m so grateful to be able to help them.  I would do anything for them.  Please don’t judge me (well you can…I’ll probably never know) but it’s been a challenge having my parents, one massively furry shedding dog, and another peanut of a dog in my home (plus my two dogs!).  I’m a gal that thrives on routine, an organized home, and my own personal space – – for the last 3 months I haven’t had any of those 3 things.  That has led to more negativity and irritability.  Also, my dad is super grouchy and he’s (I think) rubbing off on me.  He’s a homebody and rarely leaves my house so I don’t get much of a break from daddy-o and daddy-o’s grumpiness.

– I’ve coached cheer for a total of 11 years and this fall was the absolute worst start to a season that I’ve ever had. You don’t want to hear about teenage drama, but let me just say it was over the top.

– I had a belt break in my car and it cost nearly $500 to fix. Really, for a belt?  Grrrrrrrrrrr

– My daughter was bullied by a boy in her class. That little bastard (oh yes…I’m just as immature as him at this moment) told her she was ugly, stupid, an idiot, a lesbian (which she didn’t even know what that was) and he also told her she is “as ugly as Auggie Pullman” from the book/movie, “Wonder” – can you say mean, mean, mean!?!?!?  She’s read the book, received it for Christmas, and we went and saw the movie.  The one good thing about all of it was that it opened up many good discussions between her and I about bullying, kindness, and treating others the way we want to be treated.

– Speaking of school, I had to meet with my daughter’s teacher because of her negative attitude regarding math. We’ve been working on it, but really who is to blame?  Probably me.  I’ve been so bitchy, moody, angry, and negative how can I expect that behavior to not rub off on my mini me?  Just ugh.  I can tell her a million times to be happy and positive, but she’s watching the example that I set.  I know that and still….failure on my part.  And then I get all upset and play the victim card.  Like c’mon Courtney – stop making excuses and get your attitude/shit together.  You’re the adult here!

– My sister’s ex boyfriend reached out to me to make me aware of how my sister is doing. They both live in Colorado and the sister doesn’t stay in touch very often.  Again, I don’t want to ramble on forever with details but she’s in an unhealthy relationship and not doing well.  It makes things even harder when she’s that far away.  We haven’t seen her in 3 ½ years.  We love her and miss her.

– I had a pipe leak in my bathroom (behind the shower) and the only way to fix it was to cut a hole in the living room wall to get to the pipe. A hole in my living room wall – that almost put me over the edge….seriously.  And the reality is, it’s not THAT bad.  We lived for a week with only limited use of the water.  My ex fixed it for me.  It didn’t cost me a ton of money.  He’s going to repair the drywall and I’ll just have to re-paint the wall.

– A tire that had a nail in it was repaired and that led to two new tires to the tune of $200.00 (an expense I wasn’t counting on).

– The ex’s toddler son had lice and guess who was around that toddler son? That’s how Christmas ended…with me stressing about my child’s long, golden locks and the thought of those evil bugs in her head, my head, and my home.

– Oh and I’ve gained a good 30 pounds. Currently a fat ass!!!

Okay, okay…the true point of this post is not to bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself. It is to provide and update and to help me get my head in check – – a new perspective is definitely needed. There has been a lot of shit that has come up over the last few months, but honestly….I’ve sucked at handling it.  In the big picture of life, these things are pretty small and insignificant. We all deal with unplanned expenses.  Most of us have bosses that are a pain in the ass at times.  Most of us have dealt with family issues and most of us have put on some extra poundage.  The theme of this blog is about “finding a way” right?  Well it’s time I find a better way….a happier way, a healthier way.  I’m not much for New Year’s Resolutions, but I am for breaking free of this crabby, negative, attitude.  I’m to the point where I don’t have another option…I HAVE to get back to church/prayer, writing, and exercising as these are my tried and true ways of coping with life in a much better way.

Over the summer and early fall, for the 3rd time, I attempted to get off an antidepressant that I was prescribed when I was faced with the reality of the ex’s affair and my impending divorce.  In my humble opinion, there is nothing wrong with being on an antidepressant or other medication.  For me personally, it was just not something that I wanted to take forever.  Being that I am indeed the female version of Clark W. Griswold (I have his luck); I should have known that once I finally kicked the withdrawals of that medication’s ass (and could survive without feeling like I was seasick) I would face a number of tribulations.  I say that with laughter…as that’s the way it goes, right?!

There’s no crystal ball sitting on my desk and even if there was, it wouldn’t control my reaction to life – – that’s up to me. My attitude, my words, my actions…those are on me.  Clearly, I don’t do so well without healthy outlets – I have no patience; I’m crabby, negative, irritable, stressed out, angry, tired, lazy, gross and chubby – screw all of that!  I can do better!

By the way…there are some great things in my life. I’ll share those another time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s an update, but not a good one

It’s been about an eternity since I last wrote. What do I even say?  There’s a lot of shit that really blows right now.  I bet that makes you want to read on, right?  Well not so much…I mean who wants to read the endless bitching and complaining of someone else?  Feel free to skip right over this one; you are completely justified.   To be honest…I don’t know where to start, what to say, how to end, or how to be cheery and optimistic.  If you choose to read on, you’ve been warned.

I’d like to say I’m feeling shitty because I just am, but if I’m going to write the truth, that’s not entirely accurate. I’m feeling pretty shitty because of Matt and our current relationship status – – if we even qualify for a status at this point.  To catch you up, Matt spent 2 months in jail.  I might not have the exact timeline correct as life (or the people in my life) decided to throw me some shit once again and it’s all mashed up in this overloaded, jam-packed head of mine.  He went to jail in late August 2016 and was released prior to Halloween.  He was hit with multiple charges, most were due to driving on a suspended license and missing court dates.  Just for fun (not really) they threw in a couple of check deception charges.

He sat in jail for 2 months because nobody would bail him out – – not me, not his family. He was in there for about 6 weeks and no one paid him a visit, accepted a phone call, or put money into his account.  It tore me up.  I worried about him; I worried about his mental health.  And so…I paid him a visit.  I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but my heart was so troubled not knowing how he has doing.  To sum it up – – the visit went fine.  I went to see him one additional time before his mom bailed him out.

While he spent 2 months in there, he lost a good 20-30 pounds and had a much needed come to Jesus moment. He traded some of his food trays for envelopes and stamps to write me letters.  His letters were so heartfelt and sincere.  It seemed like he was going to come out of jail a new man.  But then again…desperation will make anyone say anything.

While he was incarcerated, I talked to his mom and his former boss quite a bit. Don (his former boss) didn’t have anything nice to say about Matt besides his work ethic.  He did tell me that Matt was the hardest worker he ever had, but on the flip side, he called Matt a “cancer” to me.  Wow…that’s harsh, but was it true?

Before Matt went to jail, I had asked him to move out of my house. When he was living with me he wasn’t paying any type of rent on a regular basis and his schedule was all kinds of erratic – – staying up all hours of the night and then binges of non-stop sleep.  Yep…Adderall and Xanax will do that to a person.

He ended up pretty much living in a borrowed RV for a couple of weeks, staying in his co-worker’s apartment, and then sleeping at the office. He had been out of his home for a long time before all this went down and eventually his former home with the Chicago Bears mailbox and white picket fence went into foreclosure.  What a mess, right?  I don’t know if I’ll even know the whole truth, but the vast majority of it undoubtedly had to do with drugs.  This sounds like a story of a heroin addict, but that’s not the case.  It was all prescription meds.

Something that fueled Matt’s addiction or at least made it too easy was the fact that Don paid him cash. Regardless, I know, Matt chose what he chose.  To make a long story a bit shorter, Matt’s mom bailed him out in October of 2016.  He missed my birthday on 10/24 and his oldest daughter’s birthday on 10/25, but he was out in time for Halloween.  His mom set all sorts of guidelines – – he would live with his parent’s, he would get a job, they would drive him to work (as he didn’t have a license), no medications (even prescriptions) of any kind, he had to work on restoring broken relationships, etc. At that point Matt happily agreed.

When he was released I had my old Matt back. He was happy, funny, silly, helpful, regretful, motivated, kind, loving, clear-headed, focused – – basically perfect to me.  His mom dropped him off at my house for a visit.  He was wearing a green Notre Dame t-shirt, a pair of shorts, Nikes, and a hat – – he looked so cute.  We reconnected; he restored relationships with his parents and his brothers.  We faced some ups and downs as it was challenging to readjust to him living with his parents, not driving, and so forth.  However, I so was over the flipping moon to have him drug free that I knew we could conquer anything.   He is the most amazing man when he’s sans pills.  Around Christmas we attended his cousin’s wedding and even took a ride in a horse drawn carriage – – I thought I had my prince back.

We didn’t see each other all that much because he got a job where he had to get up at 3:00am and there were other obstacles, but we were making it work. As time went on, Matt slowly found a way to get back on some meds – – everything was prescribed.  In the beginning it was just a medication for nerve damage and then he added Suboxone.  I would pick him up for a weekend at my house and he would ask me to take him to Walgreens to fill a script.  I hated doing it, especially because his mom was not aware.  Even though they were valid prescriptions, it just felt wrong – – hello slippery slope.  We couldn’t even talk about it without it turning into a major disagreement.  I felt it was dishonest; he felt it was no big deal as long as it wasn’t a script for Xanax.

His mom has rules and one of them was that he had to sign his paycheck over to her each week. She would give him spending money and I guess he used that money to get his prescriptions.  The weekend of Memorial Day he stayed with me.  He was a walking zombie and slept like a bear hibernating for winter – – pretty much all day and all night.  He claimed he was sick.  My gut told me otherwise.  Without totally exposing him, I texted his mom and asked a few questions about his behavior.  She told me to look though his stuff.  I did and I found Xanax.

Son of a bitch…after every mother fucking thing…Xanax. You know those times when you are so overwhelmed by circumstances that you just sit there in a state of disbelief wondering if you are experiencing reality or a nightmare?  That was me.  What the fuck…I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t tell his mom specifically what I found; instead I expressed concern for his pattern of behavior.  When the weekend came to an end, I took him home.  We were standing in his parent’s garage when I asked if he was taking Xanax again.  He lied.  I cried and I am so not a crier.  The lies and the deception were back and all I could do was look into his beautiful blue eyes and cry.  How could this man who had been through hell and back, who had recently received a big promotion at work, be back to this!!!??!?!?!?!????

When I got home I sent him a picture of the Xanax I found, confirming I knew the truth. That’s when shit hit the fan on his end.  Apparently his mom went BANANAS on him and I was to blame.  He sent text after text telling me how great he had been doing and now everything was fucked up because I went to his mom.  Now if you recall, I never told his mom exactly what happened  – – I just expressed concern because he was sleeping so much and acting like the old, troubled Matt.

About 7 weeks have passed and we’ve had minimal contact. I’ve seen him once.  He often acts like I don’t exist and at times it feels like it’s killing me.  Why??????  He’s the one that lied and fucked up.  I will never understand how these men (I’m talking about my ex and Matt) do these fucked up things and I’m the one left reeling.  It makes me so fucking angry and then that anger cools and transforms into sadness.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. Matt and I were supposed to go to a Shinedown concert a couple of weeks ago.  That’s his all-time favorite band.  He went; I didn’t.  Stuff like that makes me so sad.  There are times that I text him and he doesn’t even bother to acknowledge my text.  Are we together, aren’t we together?  Although I want to scream FUCK YOU, it hurts.  On the 4th of July my dad had a seizure and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.  I sent Matt a text.  It took him 3 days to even acknowledge my message.  I don’t care what’s going on in a relationship, when there is a family emergency, you drop your grudge and you support the person that is scared and hurting.

I think I have fostered this protective, self-coping mechanism that allows me to remember the good times and not the bad and that’s why I’m still here reaching out to Matt. If I thought about all the shit, I’d delete his number so fast and forgot he exists.  It’s such a struggle – – there are days when I’m so strong and not only tell myself, but also believe, that I don’t need his shit.  There are other days when I think about the things I love about him and the 3 years we’ve been together and my heart aches.

I’m sad. I’m fine.  I’m sad.  I’m fine.  That’s a sucky ass way to feel.  I was so fed up, frustrated, sad, and, lonely one recent day that I set up a new profile on Match.  I didn’t pay for a membership, I just wanted to know if the opposite sex found me even mildly interesting or attractive and to my surprise I received 99+ interest and 40 emails.  Granted, the vast majority of those peeps are probably creeps, losers, users, or just not my type – – but hey, if I don’t want to, I might not have to retire from the dating pool just yet.

It’s no joke – – when you feel unwanted by someone (Matt), it makes you want them more. Son of a bitch….will I ever learn???

Regardless of what happens to me and Matt, I know a new relationship is not the magical answer. My healing has to come from within.  It took time, faith, running, and blogging to help me heal from my ex’s infidelity; I might be in the same boat again.

All I can do is take it one day at a time.   This week I have my daughter’s 11th birthday party to distract me.  Yay…about 10 tween girls screeching, swimming, laughing, eating, being silly, making musical.ly videos, putting on makeup, dressing up, staying up all night…do you ever want to be a kid again?  I do!

What do I have in common with an owl, aardvark, chinchilla, hedgehog and skunk?

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What do I have in common with an owl, aardvark, chinchilla, hedgehog and skunk? Perhaps more than one thing, but lately it’s “nocturnality” or an animal behavior characterized by activity during the night and sleeping during the day.  …I mean, its early afternoon and I’m up, but my eyelids are heavy, the yawns are continual and I could really use a nap.  Last night I was up until about 2:00am – restless yet again!  I probably should have popped a melatonin, but before I knew it the hours had just ticked by and my alarm was buzzing.  Ugh!

Like a zombie, I rolled out of bed, got the kiddo up and moving, and off to school. Next, I was back in bed for about 40 glorious minutes before I had to get up and get ready for a meeting.  I could have easily slept until noon.

Why can I feel drained all day long and then once about 9:30pm hits (and my home is pretty quiet), I’m raring to go? That’s not cool!  I know the secret…the house gets quiet.  The sweet and sassy 10 year old is in bed, the doggies are ready to snooze, nobody is asking me for anything, and all that peaceful tranquility leads to some loneliness and thought after thought after thought.  Have I gone full circle; once again making it to that exhausting place where I can’t stop the endless thoughts and worries unless I’m crazy busy or distracted by something like technology?  Say it ain’t so friends, say it ain’t so!

There are a lot of thoughts racing around in my head – everything from what is going to happen with Matt, to how in the hell I’m going to find the spark I need to get back in shape, to how hard I’ll have to work and save to get out of debt, to why I have cheerleaders being mean to each other, to the next time I’ll need to mow, to what I’ll pack for school lunch…I just want to scream to myself SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP. The thoughts on mowing and lunch I can handle, but the relationship, finances, and other difficult thoughts…well those are not so easy to work through.

I know what could potentially help – nixing the caffeine (which makes me pudgy and gross anyway), exercising, blogging or journaling (Hey…at least I’m doing something right!), reading, coloring, praying, trusting, letting go. The last two are the hardest…trusting and letting go.

What I’m thankful for today is that even in hard times when I lose my spunk and pizazz; I do not turn to really harmful and addicting things to ease the pain – not smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling, or anything of that nature. That’s a good thing.  Now I just need to find a way to pick myself up and get my groove back.  I want to be like Stella!