It’s been about an eternity since I last wrote. What do I even say? There’s a lot of shit that really blows right now. I bet that makes you want to read on, right? Well not so much…I mean who wants to read the endless bitching and complaining of someone else? Feel free to skip right over this one; you are completely justified. To be honest…I don’t know where to start, what to say, how to end, or how to be cheery and optimistic. If you choose to read on, you’ve been warned.
I’d like to say I’m feeling shitty because I just am, but if I’m going to write the truth, that’s not entirely accurate. I’m feeling pretty shitty because of Matt and our current relationship status – – if we even qualify for a status at this point. To catch you up, Matt spent 2 months in jail. I might not have the exact timeline correct as life (or the people in my life) decided to throw me some shit once again and it’s all mashed up in this overloaded, jam-packed head of mine. He went to jail in late August 2016 and was released prior to Halloween. He was hit with multiple charges, most were due to driving on a suspended license and missing court dates. Just for fun (not really) they threw in a couple of check deception charges.
He sat in jail for 2 months because nobody would bail him out – – not me, not his family. He was in there for about 6 weeks and no one paid him a visit, accepted a phone call, or put money into his account. It tore me up. I worried about him; I worried about his mental health. And so…I paid him a visit. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but my heart was so troubled not knowing how he has doing. To sum it up – – the visit went fine. I went to see him one additional time before his mom bailed him out.
While he spent 2 months in there, he lost a good 20-30 pounds and had a much needed come to Jesus moment. He traded some of his food trays for envelopes and stamps to write me letters. His letters were so heartfelt and sincere. It seemed like he was going to come out of jail a new man. But then again…desperation will make anyone say anything.
While he was incarcerated, I talked to his mom and his former boss quite a bit. Don (his former boss) didn’t have anything nice to say about Matt besides his work ethic. He did tell me that Matt was the hardest worker he ever had, but on the flip side, he called Matt a “cancer” to me. Wow…that’s harsh, but was it true?
Before Matt went to jail, I had asked him to move out of my house. When he was living with me he wasn’t paying any type of rent on a regular basis and his schedule was all kinds of erratic – – staying up all hours of the night and then binges of non-stop sleep. Yep…Adderall and Xanax will do that to a person.
He ended up pretty much living in a borrowed RV for a couple of weeks, staying in his co-worker’s apartment, and then sleeping at the office. He had been out of his home for a long time before all this went down and eventually his former home with the Chicago Bears mailbox and white picket fence went into foreclosure. What a mess, right? I don’t know if I’ll even know the whole truth, but the vast majority of it undoubtedly had to do with drugs. This sounds like a story of a heroin addict, but that’s not the case. It was all prescription meds.
Something that fueled Matt’s addiction or at least made it too easy was the fact that Don paid him cash. Regardless, I know, Matt chose what he chose. To make a long story a bit shorter, Matt’s mom bailed him out in October of 2016. He missed my birthday on 10/24 and his oldest daughter’s birthday on 10/25, but he was out in time for Halloween. His mom set all sorts of guidelines – – he would live with his parent’s, he would get a job, they would drive him to work (as he didn’t have a license), no medications (even prescriptions) of any kind, he had to work on restoring broken relationships, etc. At that point Matt happily agreed.
When he was released I had my old Matt back. He was happy, funny, silly, helpful, regretful, motivated, kind, loving, clear-headed, focused – – basically perfect to me. His mom dropped him off at my house for a visit. He was wearing a green Notre Dame t-shirt, a pair of shorts, Nikes, and a hat – – he looked so cute. We reconnected; he restored relationships with his parents and his brothers. We faced some ups and downs as it was challenging to readjust to him living with his parents, not driving, and so forth. However, I so was over the flipping moon to have him drug free that I knew we could conquer anything. He is the most amazing man when he’s sans pills. Around Christmas we attended his cousin’s wedding and even took a ride in a horse drawn carriage – – I thought I had my prince back.
We didn’t see each other all that much because he got a job where he had to get up at 3:00am and there were other obstacles, but we were making it work. As time went on, Matt slowly found a way to get back on some meds – – everything was prescribed. In the beginning it was just a medication for nerve damage and then he added Suboxone. I would pick him up for a weekend at my house and he would ask me to take him to Walgreens to fill a script. I hated doing it, especially because his mom was not aware. Even though they were valid prescriptions, it just felt wrong – – hello slippery slope. We couldn’t even talk about it without it turning into a major disagreement. I felt it was dishonest; he felt it was no big deal as long as it wasn’t a script for Xanax.
His mom has rules and one of them was that he had to sign his paycheck over to her each week. She would give him spending money and I guess he used that money to get his prescriptions. The weekend of Memorial Day he stayed with me. He was a walking zombie and slept like a bear hibernating for winter – – pretty much all day and all night. He claimed he was sick. My gut told me otherwise. Without totally exposing him, I texted his mom and asked a few questions about his behavior. She told me to look though his stuff. I did and I found Xanax.
Son of a bitch…after every mother fucking thing…Xanax. You know those times when you are so overwhelmed by circumstances that you just sit there in a state of disbelief wondering if you are experiencing reality or a nightmare? That was me. What the fuck…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell his mom specifically what I found; instead I expressed concern for his pattern of behavior. When the weekend came to an end, I took him home. We were standing in his parent’s garage when I asked if he was taking Xanax again. He lied. I cried and I am so not a crier. The lies and the deception were back and all I could do was look into his beautiful blue eyes and cry. How could this man who had been through hell and back, who had recently received a big promotion at work, be back to this!!!??!?!?!?!????
When I got home I sent him a picture of the Xanax I found, confirming I knew the truth. That’s when shit hit the fan on his end. Apparently his mom went BANANAS on him and I was to blame. He sent text after text telling me how great he had been doing and now everything was fucked up because I went to his mom. Now if you recall, I never told his mom exactly what happened – – I just expressed concern because he was sleeping so much and acting like the old, troubled Matt.
About 7 weeks have passed and we’ve had minimal contact. I’ve seen him once. He often acts like I don’t exist and at times it feels like it’s killing me. Why?????? He’s the one that lied and fucked up. I will never understand how these men (I’m talking about my ex and Matt) do these fucked up things and I’m the one left reeling. It makes me so fucking angry and then that anger cools and transforms into sadness.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. Matt and I were supposed to go to a Shinedown concert a couple of weeks ago. That’s his all-time favorite band. He went; I didn’t. Stuff like that makes me so sad. There are times that I text him and he doesn’t even bother to acknowledge my text. Are we together, aren’t we together? Although I want to scream FUCK YOU, it hurts. On the 4th of July my dad had a seizure and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I sent Matt a text. It took him 3 days to even acknowledge my message. I don’t care what’s going on in a relationship, when there is a family emergency, you drop your grudge and you support the person that is scared and hurting.
I think I have fostered this protective, self-coping mechanism that allows me to remember the good times and not the bad and that’s why I’m still here reaching out to Matt. If I thought about all the shit, I’d delete his number so fast and forgot he exists. It’s such a struggle – – there are days when I’m so strong and not only tell myself, but also believe, that I don’t need his shit. There are other days when I think about the things I love about him and the 3 years we’ve been together and my heart aches.
I’m sad. I’m fine. I’m sad. I’m fine. That’s a sucky ass way to feel. I was so fed up, frustrated, sad, and, lonely one recent day that I set up a new profile on Match. I didn’t pay for a membership, I just wanted to know if the opposite sex found me even mildly interesting or attractive and to my surprise I received 99+ interest and 40 emails. Granted, the vast majority of those peeps are probably creeps, losers, users, or just not my type – – but hey, if I don’t want to, I might not have to retire from the dating pool just yet.
It’s no joke – – when you feel unwanted by someone (Matt), it makes you want them more. Son of a bitch….will I ever learn???
Regardless of what happens to me and Matt, I know a new relationship is not the magical answer. My healing has to come from within. It took time, faith, running, and blogging to help me heal from my ex’s infidelity; I might be in the same boat again.
All I can do is take it one day at a time. This week I have my daughter’s 11th birthday party to distract me. Yay…about 10 tween girls screeching, swimming, laughing, eating, being silly, making musical.ly videos, putting on makeup, dressing up, staying up all night…do you ever want to be a kid again? I do!