A New Year

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In less than an hour, we’ll ring in a new year and begin a new decade. While many are out with friends and significant others, I’m home…on my couch…scrolling through social media and watching Friends before it leaves Netflix. Oh how I love that show.

I am torturing myself with social media and I don’t know.  I’m a glutton for punishment I suppose. I’ve seen people on vacation, more than one NYE engagement, a NYE wedding (in the Bahamas nonetheless), lots of smiles and lots of martini glasses filled with festive looking drinks in colors like yellow and red.

There is a part of me that is perfectly content sitting here in comfy clothes. I have my goldendoodle nearby, a (fat) belly full of Jack’s cheese pizza and Cherry Coke, a candle burning and the softest blanket in my lap. And yet…there’s a sad side of me that is envious of the fun and camaraderie that others are having.

I just opened up Snapchat and saw a video of my daughter’s feet joyfully walking through the shiny sand of an Alabama beach. She’s on vacation with her dad, his girlfriend and her two little siblings. By the way…my ex is STILL with the home wrecker. Remember her? They’ve been together something like eleven years now…just wow.

I’m happy my daughter is there. I’m happy she gets to take photos (something she really enjoys) of the sunset, water, palm trees and all things beachy. The truth is…sometimes I still get caught up feeling sorry for myself.  It’s kind of pathetic.  I know it; I own it.  Still… a big part of me wishes I was on vacation – – seeing blue skies, feeling the warm sun, sipping on a Pina Colada, watching a palm tree gently sway in the breeze, walking the beach, listening to the waves, etc. etc. I guess it’s just not my time and I need to be okay with that. Instead of whining about it, I should find some motivation to save for a vacay. It’s not only the beach I’m envious of…full disclosure I’m a wee bit envious of that whole FAMILY vacation aspect. Sigh…I’ve been blessed (thanks to the generosity of one of my best friends) to take my daughter to Disney World twice, but this cold, bitter heart of mine still aches because we weren’t able to take a true family vacation – – mom, dad and kiddo. It’s still a punch to the gut that the other woman will likely get to collect shells with my daughter. Certainly feels like it should be me, not her.  I shall heavily sigh again…it is what it is.

No worries folks, I’m not going to continue to bitch and moan. While I see plenty of happiness on social media, I also see plenty of horribly sad and awful things. I know that I have many things to be thankful for and I am going to make a conscious effort to be more grateful for those things. I have a notebook currently sitting in my bedroom just waiting for 2020 to arrive so I can create a monthly vision with goals and make notes of gratitude.

I’ve never been totally bananas about NYE and resolutions because we all know it’s so easy to say we’ll exercise, to say we’ll eat better, to say we’ll save money and so forth. However, I’ve been in a major funk for far longer than I care to acknowledge. When I have free time I’ve become much more likely to binge watch Netfilx than to go out and do anything new or fun. I’ve made irrational excuses as to why I’m going through the drive-thru multiple times in a week (eating my feelings) or why I need to online shop again. I’ve slept in and took naps when I truly should have gotten my lazy ass out of bed and been productive. I’ve yelled and cussed and acted fairly ridiculous and dramatic at times. I’ve procrastinated, cried, harbored anger, resentment and sadness. I’ve made excuses, acted like a crybaby and a victim, shifted blame, given up (or have come real close to giving up). I’ve allowed shitty men to make me feel worthless. UGH…I HATE ALL OF THOSE THINGS. That is why I welcome a new year, a new decade, and a new opportunity to break old habits and transform myself into a better, happier, healthier and wiser me.

In many a post, I’ve said that I rarely write and it’s true. Sometimes I go months without writing. I’m really hoping in 2020 that changes. I love to write. I’m hoping somehow/someway I have a future career in writing or maybe I can crank out a published book – – how cool would that be? In the meantime, I’ve got my notebook and this blog (which definitely deserves more love and attention).

I’m not going to be perfect in 2020 and you’re not either – – that’s okay. We’re human. If you’ve lost your motivation like I have, my wish is that you (and I) rally to bring it back. If I can find way so can you!  Times are tough, but you and I…we’re tougher.  It’s time to start believing that and living that.

Much love now and always…

 

 

From Facebook Messenger to Rock-A-Bye Baby

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Well, well, well…I don’t need to announce it, you already know, I hardly every post.   This latest sitch though, it calls for some writing so I can process and move on.

Let me fill ya in. Todd and I broke up some 14-15ish months ago.  Until the truth was exposed (by another woman’s husband), he told me things needed to end because of 3 main reasons:  his ex-wife, stress at work, and a busy soccer schedule.  I looked at that man with heartbroken tears streaming down my face not understanding how those 3 things could end us.  An ex?  I have one of those too and he’s not worth losing a great boyfriend over.  Stress at work?  Well hell, don’t we all have some of that?  A busy soccer schedule?  I coach high school cheer.  I understand a busy (okay overwhelming) practice and game schedule.   Those reasons just weren’t adding up.

When he told me over and over that I was an “amazing woman” yet he still needed to walk away, I just couldn’t comprehend it. The overly trusting, naïve, dumbass that I am, I tried fighting and fighting for us.  This man had told me countless times that he was happy with me.  He’s the one that said, “I love you” first, he’s the one that suggested a vacation with our kids, and he’s the one that asked if I could see myself marrying him.  In the beginning I was so closed off, so emotionally unavailable.  But eventually…I fell for it.  You already know what happened next.  My heart was recklessly torn into painful shards of brokenness because another man proved to be completely untrustworthy.

It went down like this…

One summer evening a notification popped up on my phone – hmmm…here’s what I opened in Facebook messenger: “Courtney, You probably have no idea who I am.  My name is * and I am married to *.  Earlier today I found your Todd’s shirt in our laundry as well as hundreds of texts and phone calls and cards and notes dating back to earlier this year.  * and I are not doing well in our marriage.  We have three children and are in the process of going through divorce.  So life is not fun (oh man…I felt him there).  I don’t know Todd and don’t want to.  What he has done is unacceptable and has marked the end of our 15 year marriage.  I don’t know if Todd has a history of doing this with other married women.  If you have any information about him and his past or any information about him and * feel free to contact me.  Thanks for your time.”   And just like that my fake foundation of relational peace, love, and happiness crumbled.  It was a dramatic mess and it hurt me so very much.  For the most part, the summer of 2018 sucked because I couldn’t just shake it off.  It tore me up.  On the flip side, his summer looked fantastic – – he took that vacation to Gulf Shores and shared his days/nights with his new boo.

Fast forward to the current date/time. Todd and I still coach at the same school.  There were many, many painful months.   There were apologies.  There were attempts at forgiveness. There were some quiet months between us.  There were some months that we talked as friends.  There were two occasions where he was completely inappropriate in comments and suggestions he made via text messages while still in a relationship with that former, unwelcome third party whose existence led to the demise of my relationship.  In case you’re curious – – no way, we didn’t hook up.  I am not, never have been, or will ever (knowingly) be the other woman.

But here’s the real kicker and why I needed to write…they are expecting. Yes, there’s a bun in the oven.  Why do I care?  Why don’t I mind my own damn business?  Why don’t I move on?  I’m wondering those same things and here’s why…

There were rumblings of a potential pregnancy last week and today it was confirmed. It hit me hard for a variety of reasons…

1. It brought up old memories – painful feelings of betrayal and reminders of how absolutely worthless and simply not good enough I felt. I don’t care who you are, when you find out your man has cheated, your self-esteem immediately disintegrates. I felt used and thrown out like unwanted trash for what he considered a hotter/better option. My daughter also took a hit because she very much enjoyed his company and had grown close to him.

2. I thought of those two occasions where he texted me shit he shouldn’t have texted me – these dates included New Year’s Eve and his birthday. The latter included comments of cuddling, hooking up, coming over, a hotel, and a shady request for dirty talk. I’m sure he’d probably blame it on the alcohol he’d been drinking (and he did apologize the next day), but it seems that alcohol often serves as a truth serum – – real feelings and intentions are blurted out once the drinks do their job and lower inhibitions. It did some real fucking with my mind. For a split second I thought maybe…maybe he finally realized everything that I am – – the alcohol had given him the courage to tell me just that (even after all he had put me through), he wanted to genuinely change his ways and get back together. No ma’am (or sir) – – after the routine “trying to save his ass” text he sent the next day asking if I was mad, I fully realized once again he was using me to boost his shitty self-esteem. If he could get me to say I wanted him, he’d feel good about himself. That is pathetic and so damaging to a broken girl.

Here’s what also seriously upset me…over the course of our messaging I asked him multiple times if he still had a girlfriend and he avoided answering that question like one would avoid the plague.   He played it off, ignored it, tried redirecting the conversation and at one point he threw out some lame “I don’t know” – – mo fo please, you know if you do or do not have a girlfriend. Save the games for the soccer field.  

What’s even more sad…if I am doing the math correctly (no guarantee there)…his girlfriend (the one he wasn’t sure he had) got pregnant shortly after that – – maybe a month or two later. I don’t care to know the details so that’s just an estimate, but damn…that’s just not right. It’s not okay to treat and use women like that – – that’s some self-serving womanizing bullshit.

3. While I understand that teachers and coaches are humans that make mistakes and have lives outside of school – – that is such a poor example to set for students and athletes. When all the shit went down last basketball season, I vividly remember a senior coming to practice and saying to me, “Coach, tell me it’s not true. Tell me Mr. * (Todd) did not have an affair with *. I chose not to engage in that conversation. With this latest news, I can imagine the things students will be thinking and saying when they find out those two are having a baby. Teacher of the year for 2018 (her) and Teacher of the year for 2019 (him) were more irresponsible as 40 somethings than a lot of teenagers walking around the halls.

I don’t know if it’s true, but I was told his ex-wife doesn’t know he has a baby on the way. Whether she does or doesn’t know, my heart goes out to her because I have firsthand experience with how hard that is, especially watching your child have to come to terms with his/her dad having a child with someone else.  That’s hard for kids to understand and accept – – especially when the kids don’t know the new partner that well.  No matter how much I tell her differently, my daughter believes that her dad loves her half-sister and half-brother more because he lives with them and spends more time them.  A child should not have to feel that way.

And with Todd…it just feels so fake. Everything we had.  Everything he is.  Everything he said.  Everything I believed.  If you were to see him in the halls at school, you’d like him – – he’d flash you a big smile, he’d ask how you are doing, if you were carrying a big load he’d rush in to help you.  He really does have this outgoing, friendly personality.  He’s so likeable in so many ways.  He has a big heart.  He does genuinely want to help people.  He leads a unified track team with a number of special education students and he’s so good with them – so caring, accepting, and supportive.  He has so much potential, but his personal demons are just so destructive to any relationship he gets in.  It doesn’t matter how much you want to be a good person, if you don’t have self-control and you look only to others to feel good about who you are, you will continue to suffer emotionally and in the process you’ll continue to destroy other people – – I’m talking women here.  I can name three others that have experienced his antics, so just imagine how many others there are (like those from his hometown). Unless that man opts for some valid counseling with cognitive behavioral therapy, I feel like this cycle will continue to repeat over and over again. It’s not something he can just wish away; it will take commitment and work.

He’s a good looking guy, but sooner rather than later, his looks are going to fade and then what will he be left with – a good personality? Yes, but what happens when he can no longer woo the women?  Where will his validation come from?  He can appear so cocky and confident, but once you really get to know him you can clearly see a man who is so desperate to be liked be everyone and doesn’t want anyone mad at him (even slightly).  I could never understand how he was always so damn worried that someone might be a little upset with him and yet he put me through the emotional equivalent of what felt like hell…especially after knowing my past and promising he’d never hurt me.  Ugh.  The next time a man tells me that, please allow me to tell him to STFU and give me an opportunity to throat punch him because 9 of out 10 times that’s a load of complete bullshit that freely flows from the mouths of cheaters.

I saw Todd during cheer and soccer practices about 2 weeks ago, he chatted and joked with me like we were the besties we used to be – – no mention of the baby. He did say we should meet for coffee.  I suppose that’s when he planned to share the news.  Well too late buddy, I already know.  And really…what in the hell did he think my reaction would be?  Congratulations?!?  You’ve got a baby on the way with the woman you cheated on me with – between the two of you you’ll have 6 kids and some really strained and ugly relationships with your ex-husband and ex-wife – those kids previously mentioned are going to struggle with the addition of a new baby – I also heard you asked yet another woman out while we were together (she worked in the office of your apartment) – – it wouldn’t be congrats that you heard, it would be get your shit together and be the man your baby girl deserves.  It would be:  close your eyes; imagine this baby girl as a teenager and a young woman; imagine she is dating a guy just like you.  Did you smile?  Did you feel proud?  No.  So change.

As for me, I have plenty of work to do on myself, including a significant need to do more writing (as I find it therapeutic) and no interest in dating – – it’s no wonder why, huh?

That single mom life…

Tags

, , , , ,

(Written on Sunday, 4/7/19, posted on Monday, 4/8/19)

Today has sucked. Let me be real…the suckiness far exceeds just today.  The broken-hearted, (feeling) eternally sad, emotionally battered, physically and mentally drained, forever frustrated, frequently overwhelming single mom life is hitting me hard.  It kind of feels like I’m trapped in a well and I would give anything for someone to throw a pathetic girl a rope, a ladder, a glimmer of hope.  Anyone…Anyone?

While it seems like the vast majority of everyone I know (yes, admittedly that’s an exaggeration) has just enjoyed the most relaxing and memorable Spring Beak known to mankind, I’m in a funk because it’s been so long since I’ve been on a vacation. I can’t even tell you how thankful I am that we’ve had a couple of days with temps near 70 degrees – walking outside without a coat felt nothing short of amazing. But…

Truth be told…I’m in a funk for a lot of reasons. If I was ever naïve enough to think that life would be smooth sailing once I survived my divorce, someone come punch me because I deserve it for being so stupid.

At this point, I would pay top dollar and would consider working a third job if it could afford me a magic happiness pill. Yes I know that medications do exist that could quite possibly positively alter my mood – I’ve been on them before so I’m not totally against them – but…it’s more than that.  It’s that I’m really struggling to try and live my best life.

I know part of it is being a mom – a single mom. Please hear me loud and clear, I am not complaining about being a mom – honestly, being a mom gives me purpose and strength.  It makes me feel needed and loved.  It is the best and most meaningful role God could ever give me.  Speaking of God, He made me an “extra” mom – – You know what that is, right?  If I didn’t coach teenagers I’m not so sure I would fully understand without a little help from Google.  In case you need a little help too…it can be described as a bit over the top and ridiculously detailed, going all out.  If you ever visited my home during the holidays and saw the shenanigans of our Elf on the Shelf you’d know I’m an extra mom.  That’s just how I am and that’s something I actually like about myself.

Where I get stuck is that it is so hard to not fall into the victim trap. There are days that I feel like a warrior and I can conquer so much.  However, lately that’s not been the case.  Lately I’ve been so angry about being a single mom.  Each time I’m hit with an unexpected expense or a necessary home owner’s repair, or much of anything…I crumble into an angry little ball of ugly emotions and self- pity.

Last night my daughter really wanted to have a bonfire. I can’t blame her, who doesn’t love s’mores?  I used what seemed like 5 gallons of lighter fluid just to keep the flames barely lit and how did I feel?  Frustrated, defeated, and angry; I felt like if I had a husband he could have easily and successfully kept the blazes burning.  While that is such a small example, I didn’t sign up for this.  I didn’t sign up for having to do it all on my own.  It’s exhausting – all the housework, all the cooking and cleaning, all the laundry, all the bill paying, all the parenting, etc.  I know some of you get it; you do the same and you don’t complain about it.  Kudos to you, you rock stars.  I want to be more like you, but instead I get upset and romantically fantasize that life I would be so much better and I’d be so much more energetic with a life partner to share the responsibilities and burdens with.  There’s that naïve girl making a dumb appearance again.  Like hello, Courtney. Do you remember being married to Ben…it most definitely wasn’t a walk in the park.

For me, it’s just sheer exhaustion from all that has to be done. Maybe I’m depressed and if I wasn’t, I would not feel like this.  Perhaps I wouldn’t feel spread too thin.

I think the breakup with Todd still has a negative effect on me, but I can confirm this…I was good enough. I was pretty enough.  I was kind enough.  I was supportive enough.  I was funny enough.  Having yet another man leave me for someone else, crushed my already beaten up self-esteem.  However, conversations I’ve had with Todd (and about Todd) have proven to me that he’s got some real issues being faithful in a relationship.  Last spring when it all fell apart, the tears literally poured out of my eyes and I felt so worthless – like totally worthless.  While I haven’t fully recovered from those feelings, I know it wasn’t about me; it was about him and his character.  His self-esteem might actually be lower than mine because I don’t use people just to feel better about myself.  I would never throw away a wonderful, happy, long-term relationship to selflessly pursue someone else.  Emotionally destroying someone will never be acceptable to me.

We are creeping up on one year of true singleness for me, and the thought of getting with someone else is nauseating. There’s a guy that really wants to get to know me (Facebook messenger can confirm his interest) and here I am thinking noooooooooooo.  I don’t want to do it.  I don’t want to waste a minute of my time and energy on another guy.  That exact attitude might have screwed any chance that Chad and I had of being more than friends, but it is what it is.  He’s pretty messed up from his ex too.

You know you’re still broken when the “getting to know you” stage that is supposed to be all fun and butterfly-like seems dreadful. Am I bitching about not being in a relationship? Nope, I’m sure not.  But I guess I am kind of confirming that I’m so closed off to putting myself back out there.  It’s kind of ironic, I’m lonely but I also want to be left alone.  If you’re thinking….”I don’t know, she sounds a little desperate” please know that Matt has hit me up more than once and nothing come of that, nothing.  When he tried his played out lines, I just rolled my knowing better eyes.

To add another level of bummer, I can’t just readily hang out with my close friends. I miss them, but most of them are immersed in the stage of life where kids, activities of kids, and work eat up the vast majority of their time.

I’m struggling so much with being happy, finding motivation, engaging in things that I enjoy (what do I even enjoy these days?!?!), feeling sorry for myself, a tumultuous roller coaster of up and down emotions, and loving myself.

In a devastatingly similar manner where the apple doesn’t fall from the tree – – my daughter is just as sad and angry as me. I know I’ve contributed to her negative thoughts by not setting a better example and by inadvertently and inappropriately misdirecting my ugly emotions on her.  I am forever telling her that happiness is a choice and here I am setting a poor example.  Here I am having a breakdown about a backyard bonfire that’ll only half ass burn.  Where’s my fight? Where’s my patience?  Where’s my belief that I can conquer anything?  Where’s my ability to let the little things go?

I’m not always a “Negative Nancy” and I try to be open and honest about the fact that I struggle understanding my past, why it’s been filled with so much hurt, and where I go from here. I 100% acknowledge that I could set a better example, but so much pain in my daughter’s broken heart comes from her dad and our divorce.  Because I have primary custody with no legal mandate as to the amount of time my daughter has to spend with her dad, because he lives 45 minutes away, and because he has 2 young kids – – well wait a minute…because of the consequences of his affair and the new life/family he has – – my daughter doesn’t see her dad all that often and it has shattered her heart and her self-worth into a trillion tiny broken pieces.  She feels like her dad doesn’t love her because she’s not good enough.  She feels like he had other kids because she wasn’t enough.  *stops typing to gasp for air as that about kills me*

I recently put my daughter back into therapy because it became painfully real that she’s not happy and that she’s thinking some very negative thoughts. You see, Ben (that’s my ex if you need a reminder), is planning to eventually wave the Hoosier state goodbye, pack up his life and his new family and move somewhere much warmer.  He and the woman responsible for breaking up my family have been fixing up their home with a goal to sell and relocate.

Guess who is suffering the most with this…my daughter of course, who keeps asking how her dad can just move without her. The thought of him moving takes the abandonment and worthlessness that she already feels to a level I cannot adequately describe.  When she finds the courage to humbly ask about herself in the equation, the typical robotic reply is, “Come with us” – – In what delusional world is that just an easy answer for a 12 year old girl?

My daughter is scared to talk to her dad and express how sad and angry she really is because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. How sad is that? She feels like he’ll either lose his temper and yell or that she’ll upset him.  I get stuck in the middle – – I listen to her and try to validate her feelings and then relay those feelings back to her dad.  It doesn’t work. He doesn’t understand the severity of her pain because the message comes from me.

My daughter and I, we need healing, hope, and positive vibes. How do we get there?

 

 

 

A (Long) Letter to My Daughter

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I feel like all I ever write about is my awful love life. While there is ample content to share on that sorry subject, today is not the day.

My birthday was last week and I had the idea of writing a type of “life lessons” letter to my daughter. That’s a letter that could easily turn novel as there is so much that I want my precious pre-teen to understand.  I tailored this letter to her and some of what she’s currently going through in her life as an adolescent 6th grade girl.

Dear M.,

You, my girl, are the sunshine of my life. I love you so much.  As I’m celebrating a birthday and reflecting on my life and the many, many things I’ve learned, I wanted to share some (well, okay…a lot) of different thoughts with you.

You have seen me happy; you have seen me sad.   You have heard me laugh uncontrollably; you have seen me cry hysterically.  You have watched me offer love and support; you have watched me breakdown in frustration and anger.  The point I’m trying to make is that life is beautiful, but it’s not always perfect or easy.  Sometimes life is hard, very hard.  Sometimes we struggle and we fail.  Sometimes people are incredibly mean and hurtful.  But my daughter…sometimes life is so amazingly fun and beautiful.  Sometimes things go our way, we reach our goals, we find success, and we are as happy as can be.  Sometimes people are so very kind and thoughtful that their generosity brings us to tears.

No matter what happens in my life or your life, I will always love you. I’m proud of you and I’m proud to be your mom.

Things to remember…

Even though dad and I are divorced, we both love you so very much. I know it seems really unfair that J. and G. live with dad and get to see him each day.  You’re right; he was your dad first.  I know at times that makes you sad and I understand why you feel that way.  Unfortunately, there is no easy or magical way to fix this, but I hope you know dad loves you just as much as he loves his other kids.  That I promise you!  There are times that I still get sad and upset that dad and I are divorced, especially during the holidays.  It’s okay and totally normal for both you and I to miss dad at times.

Love is not a fairy tale. We’ve watched many a Disney Princess fall in love and be rescued by a prince.  In real life, true love does not work that way.  Love takes time – – you don’t see a cute Prince Charming (or Prince Eric or Flynn Rider, etc.) and immediately fall in love.  In my opinion, the most important things in a relationship are:  trust, honesty, respect, loyalty, friendship, communication, connection, and support.  But even more important than that is self-love.  In order to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else, you must first learn to love yourself.  Please don’t ever look for a boy to make you happy  – – that doesn’t work!  In the beginning it might, but in the end if you put all of your hope and happiness into a boy and he leaves, it will crush your heart.  Trust me, I know.  Be smarter than me.  Besides…the happier you are with yourself the more you will radiate positivity and confidence and those are two very attractive qualities.

I know you cringe when you hear the “S” word…sex, there I said it. I won’t go on and on, but this is what I want you to always remember.  Sex is special.  It was created by God.  It is not something you should EVER let a boy pressure you into.  Having sex when you are young is risky for many reasons.  When a girl has sex with a boy and then they break up, it so unbelievably painful; emotionally it destroys a girl.  You don’t ever want to experience that pain.  There is also a risk of getting pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted disease.  Oh girl…your future is too bright and promising for that.  As you get older and into your teen years, sadly…some (maybe even a lot) of your classmates will have sex.  Just because others are doing it, doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for you and your future.  I spent 16 years teaching about this…I’m not just an old fashioned fun sponge that doesn’t understand kids these days – – I know the risks, I know the emotional devastation it causes and I want more for you! If/when you ever want to talk about this, I promise to listen without judgment and to offer the best, most honest advice I know.

Again, as you get older some of your classmates are going to do other things that can really hurt them, trash their reputation, and ruin their future. I’m talking things like sexting (sending inappropriate – like nude – pictures of themselves), smoking, vaping, drinking alcohol and doing drugs.  First, sexing is just wrong (and illegal for someone under the age of 18 – – not that anyone over 18 should be doing it either).  There is a reason we get dressed before we go out in public, that’s because it would be humiliating and mortifying for everyone to see us naked.  The same concept applies to sexting because those types of pictures get spread around, like WAY around.  My dear beautiful daughter, please know that sending a semi-nude or nude picture of yourself is not sexy, or hot, or cute.  Please love, cherish, and respect yourself enough to never do that.  There will be girls who are either so desperate to get a boy’s attention or to be liked that they will send those kinds of pictures.  Please don’t be one of those girls.  Value yourself and your body more than that!  And if a boy ever asks you to send a nude pic – – just no!  That request is 100% proof that he does not respect you.  Along the same lines…modesty is such a respectable quality.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve just rolled my eyes and shook my head at teenage girls and even grown women who walk around and post pictures with their boobs and butts hanging out.  Like seriously…even though some guys might find that “hot” – – those guys are not the kind you want around.  They are the type that will care more about your looks/body than your heart and your emotional well-being.  Stay away – – far away; they are a heartbreak just waiting to happen.

When it comes to smoking, vaping, drinking, and drugs, my hope is that you will not do it. Teenagers (and even adults) often turn to these things because they are first pressured into it, they are curious, or they are looking for an escape.  While it’s true, that in the moment, drugs are supposed to make you feel good – – that good feeling lasts only a very short time and then what?  Then people become highly obsessed and addicted.  They can’t function without the drugs.  That is a horribly sad life to live.  I have personally seen addictions (to cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana/weed, and prescription drugs such as pain killers and Xanax).  Nobody ever thinks they’ll become addicted but millions and millions of people do – it’s never worth it.  And think about junior high and high school – – if you try it, you will face consequences at school and in sports.  You’ve seen some of my cheerleaders lose the opportunity to do something they love because they made a bad choice with drinking alcohol and smoking weed.  Be smart, kiddo.   While there will be classmates that drink and smoke and so call “party” and even brag about it on social media – – there will be plenty that do not – – find and be friends with those kids.  If every “cool kid” parties and shares it on their snapchat for attention – – take pride in NOT being a “cool kid” and be proud of yourself for being smart, thinking about your future, and making good choices.  Consequences last so much longer than any party or “fun” moment.

Along with growing up and entering junior high and high school, sadly…the drama is probably going to get worse. How can that be, right? It’s already been kind of ridiculous in 5th and 6th grades.  My advice is to stay away from gossip and don’t get wrapped up in rumors and talking poorly about people.  Oh. My. Word.  It is pointless, stupid, hurtful, and a waste of your time and energy.   I think the best ways for you to avoid a lot of drama is to find a good friend group, don’t talk about other people, don’t post everything you do and think on social media, don’t be totally boy crazy and desperate for a relationship, don’t do the risky things I just mentioned (drinking, smoking, drugs, sexting) and simply be a nice person.  Don’t give people negative and controversial stuff to talk about.  And if/when people do talk negatively about you – – you have to learn to be the bigger person; to not believe the hurtful things they say.  It’s not easy, but it’s so much better to just ignore it.

When it comes to friendships, I keep circling back to the same thought…find a good friend group! This is so important, more important than being considered a “cool kid” – – you are who you hang with. What does that even mean?  If you hang around kids that do bad things, eventually you’re going to follow them and do bad things too.  Find friends that make good choices.  Find friends that are kind, supportive, and trustworthy.  Find friends that care about the same things you do (like school, sports, music, art, their future, etc.).  Find friends that will stick up for you and be there for you.  True friends that genuinely care about you will not ask you to do bad things like drinking, drugs, stealing, vandalizing…anything that is wrong.  And be a good friend too…that’s just as important.

Be a girl’s girl! Say what? What’s that? A girl’s girl is a girl that encourages and supports other girls.  Instead of being jealous , mean, petty, and gossipy – – you raise other girls up.  You give compliments, you offer support, you smile (instead of giving a dirty look), you don’t call them names, you get to know them and give them a fair chance before you decide you don’t like them.  You don’t start mean rumors and you don’t do shady things like steal another girl’s boyfriend (that’s such a no no!).  It’s not that hard or complicated – basically just treat others how you want to be treated.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Oh my goodness – – it is so easy to think, “I wish I was Alexis.  She’s so pretty.  Her hair is gorgeous.  She has flawless skin.  She’s popular.  She’s perfect” – – she’s not perfect; nobody is.  Every single girl has insecurities – – even Alexis.  Some girls might act like their life is fabulous every single day, but it’s not.  Every person experiences good and bad days.  You might think Alexis is pretty as a princess, but Alexis might not feel the same about herself (even if she acts like she does and even if she posts countless “happy” selfies).  Every girl struggles at times – – this I know for sure.  Even Kate Middleton and Meghan Markel struggle although they always look perfectly put together on TV and online.

I know there are times that you feel ugly because of acne or frizzy hair that won’t cooperate. Please believe that it is normal to feel that way; it is a part of growing up.  You are not the only girl that gets pimples (even though it SUCKS), you are not the only girl that screams and cries on occasion because her hair is wildly out of control, you are not the only girl that has a closet full of clothes but can’t find anything cute to wear.  It’s normal.  But also…I hope you look in the mirror and see what I see:  A beautiful girl with gorgeous eyes, long lashes, cute cheeks, and a smile that lights up a room.

There are many things that will always be more important than your looks, such as:  your personality, your attitude, your character, your heart, how you treat other people, and your work ethic. A pretty face can’t make someone laugh and it can’t be there for someone that is going through a rough time.  Although some people are absolutely stunning in the looks department, they have personalities that are so awful that you want to run away from them.  Your character – which is who you are…things like your integrity, your morals and your values (the things you know are right and wrong) those will forever be more important than things like how clear your skin is, how white your teeth are, and how shiny your hair is.  I love and admire elderly people, but with age their skin wrinkles and their physical beauty often begins to fade.  Does that make them worthless…quite the opposite!  Their life experiences make them incredibly knowledgeable and absolutely cherished.

I can’t say enough about work ethic. The harder you work, the bigger the pay off – this is true for school, athletics, music, dance, art, and any future job or career that you might have.  Always strive for your best in everything that you do, but realize you are going to make mistakes (everybody does) and that you don’t have to be perfect.   When you do make mistakes, especially big mistakes – learn from them!  Learn what you did wrong, think about what you could have done differently, and don’t repeat those mistakes again.  If you do something wrong or do something that hurts someone else, always offer a sincere apology.  And when you’ve been wronged, it’s important to forgive people.  Holding grudges and staying angry and bitter is such a waste of your energy – – it really is (I know, I’ve done it).  It’s better to just let things go and move on with your life.

When it comes to things that are kind of difficult for you, like math (oh how I relate) don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself.   Just because you struggle to solve some math equation doesn’t mean you are dumb.  I remember how much math used to stress me out in school and honestly it wasn’t worth it. You have made leaps and bounds in not giving up and at least trying and that’s what matters!  If you get a math problem wrong or you fail a math quiz…so what.  All I ask (and all that your teachers ask) is that you genuinely try.  I’ll always be proud of that type of effort.

God created us and gave each of us unique talents. While math might not be a strong skill for you, look at the talents he gave you!  You have excellent handwriting, you excel in spelling, you have an expansive vocabulary, you’re a strong reader and an outstanding writer, you are extremely talented in art, and you can play the clarinet.  I couldn’t even read music notes at your age…true story (and I was in band too!).  While good grades are important, they aren’t everything!  How you treat others at school (including the adults that are in charge) and your character are far more important.

Since we’re on the subject of school, let’s talk bullying. I know how difficult 5th grade was for you due to bullying – by both a boy and girl.  You have to understand that the awful things said to you were completely false – – unfortunately you were just the kid they targeted.  Kids often bully because they are looking for any kind of attention, even negative attention.  Kids that bully have a poor self-esteem.  Somehow making others feel bad makes the bully feel…stronger, smarter or better than the person they are bullying.  That’s some warped thinking!  I can’t understand how making another human being feel completely sad and awful could make anyone feel good, but it happens.

We’ve talked about bullying, read books, and watched movies about this subject. We can’t understand how some of the characters in the movies can be so incredibly cold-hearted and mean to both Auggie and Clarissa.  It hurt our hearts to learn that people called Lizzie Velasquez, “the ugliest person in the world”  – – how cruel!!!  She was born with a genetic condition that she has absolutely no control over and yet people just continue to hate on her.  That’s horrible and there is no excuse or justification for ever talking to someone like that.  I hope you know that just because someone says something degrading (like you’re ugly or stupid) it does NOT mean it’s true.  I also hope that if you see someone being picked on, continually teased and made fun of, that you will do something different – – that you will support the targeted person.   Stand up and say/do something.  It’s NEVER okay to laugh at or make fun of another person for looking different or having a disability.  Be a good example and don’t engage in behavior that is hurtful and hateful.  Instead offer kindness, compassion, and understanding – – do the loving thing.

When you are going through a hard time, I would encourage you to find healthy outlets. Those are positive things that you can do to help relieve stress, make yourself more relaxed, lessen anxiety, and improve your mood.  Some ideas are:  listening to music, journaling, reading, art, doing hair, taking a bath, exercise…anything that helps to calm you down and makes you feel better.  Praying and talking to God are also extremely helpful.  Sometimes things seem so overwhelmingly bad and stressful that you can start to feel like it will never get better, but I promise…it will get better!  Sometimes it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience, but eventually better and brighten days will appear.  It’s so important to remember that and to always remain hopeful.

Be grateful for the things that you have. You might not live in the biggest, fanciest house.  You might not have the most expensive clothes and shoes or the latest iphone, but…realize and be thankful for what you do have.  Not everyone has a roof over their head.  Not everyone has plenty of food to eat.  Not everyone has lots of clothes to wear.  Not everyone has a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in at night. Not everyone has a family that loves them.  You are very blessed; always be appreciative for the things that you have and the people who love and support you.

I would encourage you to try new things – from food to music to sports and new activities – – step out of your comfort zone! How will you know if you don’t like something unless you try it?  You loved being in the Wizard of Oz and you love being in band.  If you wouldn’t have had the courage to try those new things you would have missed out on things that you really enjoyed.  Life is an adventure so go for it!

Try not to worry so much. Sometimes we spend so much time worrying about and stressing over things that we think might happen, but they never actually happen.  What a waste of our time and energy!  There are so many things we can’t control – – things like other people, the weather, traffic, and the long line at the store…the list could go on and on.   All we can control is ourselves.  It’s better to just do our best each day and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to – worrying will not change anything – – a more helpful and productive option is praying about something that worries you.

I think it’s important to get outside and enjoy nature; it’s refreshing and rejuvenating – – watch the sunset, smell a flower, put your toes in the sand, go for a walk in the woods, look up at the stars. There is something so wonderful and peaceful about nature.

On occasion junk food, fast food, sweets, and candy are all okay and you should treat yourself every once in a while, but it’s important to eat healthy and exercise on a regular basis. You will have more energy and feel better about yourself.  Working out is such a mood booster!  Make exercise fun.  If you hate doing something it will be very difficult to find the motivation to do it.  Find an exercise or physical activity that you enjoy; something that you actually look forward to doing.

There is so much I more I could say, but this is enough for now. Let me wrap it up!

I love you little lady. I’m proud of you and your accomplishments.  As you continue to grow up, I hope you will always remember who you are and what’s important to you – – always stay true to yourself.  I hope you will listen to your gut – – if something doesn’t feel right – – don’t do it!  I hope you will have a big, loving heart and do nice, helpful, and thoughtful things for others.  I hope you will stand up for yourself and others, especially those that are picked on.  I hope you push yourself and work hard and don’t give up when things seem too hard in the beginning.  I hope you will do your best to have a positive attitude and to remain both optimistic and hopeful even when life gets tough. I hope you will think about the potential consequences of your actions before you do something that might get you in trouble.  I hope you will never look to a boy to bring you happiness – – find that in yourself and the things that you love!  I hope you will believe in yourself and all that you can achieve.  I hope you will grow in your confidence, acceptance, and love for yourself.  And I hope that no matter how uncomfortable, awkward, difficult, scary, nerve-wracking, or maybe even embarrassing something might be – – if you want to talk or need advice…please come to me.  I will always listen.

Thank you for being my sunshine no matter how dark and gloomy things have been.   I love you.

Realization

Tags

, , ,

Well…it’s been nearly 2 months since I last wrote.   In that time, I definitely had some good moments – – dare I even say great moments?  But don’t get too excited for me just yet.  In preparation for what’s about to be typed, I just sighed so heavily that I’m pretty sure my curtains swayed.  Yep, that was one pitiful deep breath; here goes…

I think I’ve come to the painful realization that I’ll always be the girl that guys describe as great…amazing…beautiful inside and out. No worries I’m not becoming a raging narcissist.  I’ll be that girl that is described that way, yet always left.  Why?

This makes no sense to me. If I’m so fucking amazing and beautiful and smart and funny and blah, blah, blah…then why am I so temporary?  Why am I a good option for the short-term, but not long-term?

Am I like pumpkin spice in the fall? So damn good for a season, but then just ehhhhh?  Awesome and highly desired for a period of time, but then carelessly discarded for a better flavor/option?

I’m starting to thoroughly believe that my relationship destiny is just this – – that I’m good for a short period of time, but that’s it.

There’s much more to be said…My ex-husband cheated. Matt cheated.  Todd cheated (he “only” admits to an emotional affair but c’mon – I’m sure the heinous pattern of fornication also continued with him).  I haven’t really given any info on Chad (he didn’t cheat…he’s a once potential mate…turned friend…turned potential mate again…turned friend again).  Are you thinking wtf, like I am?  When it comes to relationships, what a shit show!

I wish I could scoop my daughter up and whisk us both away to a destination filled with sunshine, ocean breezes, palm trees, and fresh beginnings. Since that is not exactly in my single mom budget, it’s time to focus on God, my daughter, my family, my career, my physical, mental, and emotional wellness.

My birthday was a few days ago. As I was reflecting on my existence and purpose in this world, I thought of something I really wanted to write about.  Something meaningful and more importantly… free of my incessant ramblings about unfaithful men and my shitty relationships – – I hope that can be the next update I post.  Until then…happy fall ya’ll and please know…I’m trying, I’m trying…

Something’s gotta give…

Tags

, , , , ,

Like seriously…I’m done. I surrender; I’m waving the white flag. I am sad. I am angry. I am depressed.  This summer has been shittier than I would have ever expected – full of nothing but difficult changes, painful heartache, maddening frustration, and utter disappointment.   I was so looking forward to a July 4th week of vacation in beautiful Gulf Shores and you guessed it…that didn’t happen.  That was supposed to be me, the boyfriend, his mom, his kids, and my daughter.  My heart aches just typing that and thinking about it.  The truth is…each day is a struggle to even get out of bed.  Honestly, I want to sleep the pain and sadness away.  Right now I suck as a mom, a coach, an employee, a friend…I’ve got nothing left to give.

I was not naïve enough to think that once my divorce was final and I healed from that misery that life would be nothing but magical happiness, but Lord have mercy…I also never thought I’d have my heart shattered again and again. It’s becoming my life story.  I wasn’t anticipating having days and days of complete sadness.  I wasn’t planning on or mentally prepared for another agonizing occurrence of feeling worthless and not good enough and yet…here I am.

Have you ever cried in bed while thinking some really dark thoughts and questioning God? I have…I wonder:

What is my purpose?

Why don’t things (mainly relationships) work out for me?

Why am I not good enough?

Why tell me you love me and then leave me?

What could I have done differently/better?

What does she have to offer that I don’t?

How I went from a bubbly, giggly, goofy, and extremely positive adolescent to the woman who is sitting here, wiping away the tears while she types…perhaps I’ll never know. Or maybe I do already know – – maybe it’s the failed relationships, being cheated on, being lied to, being left for someone else.  I am a strong person (or at least I used to be), but in regards to love, one can only take so many hits before she just gives up on everything.

I’m tired of these tsunami-like waves of emotions and explosions of sadness that continue to torment me. I could be sitting at my desk, driving, watching a TV show, making dinner, mowing the yard…and boom – – the sadness strikes and hot tears roll down my cheeks.  Why?  Why is this the life I’m living? How do I heal?  How do I get better?  Why can’t I be like a guy and just move on with no loss, no guilt, no sadness, no attachment?  I understand the saying, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” – – but really is that going to help me? Um no…

I’ve cried the tears, I’ve had the stereotypical moments of stuffing myself with ice cream and pizza, I’ve had no appetite and lost weight, I’ve been on a few dates to try and get myself out of the house and have some fun…not much is helping.

On the dates I’ve been on – all three guys have expressed an interest and wanted to get to know me better and I’m just MEH about it. In fact, after the first date I cried the whole way home because we had a nice dinner, but it wasn’t with the person I wanted it to be with.  Please  know that when I say “dates” I am NOT trying to get into a relationship – – I simply wanted to get out of the house, feel attractive to the opposite sex, and maybe laugh a little.

For those that I have shared my sadness with (and it’s not many because outside of this blog I’m a closed book) I’m not going to sugar coat it – – when they make some comment about God closing a door, etc. it takes everything in me to not throat punch them. While I know the encouragement comes from a good place, I just can’t handle hearing that right now. If feels like the automatic, standard reply when someone is hurting and damn it…my pain and my feelings of sadness are real and are justified.  While I believe in God and I believe I’ll get through this…the trite and traditional responses just aren’t helping me.  The “his loss” comments aren’t helping either.

It is my hope that the next time I have a loved one, a friend, an athlete, anyone that comes to me for support, that I remember how those cliché comments made me feel and I’ll offer a more empathetic, personalized means to offer comfort.

It’s probably not doing anything healthy in regards to my healing and feeling better, but oh how I’ve connected to these quotes recently:

I feel myself changing. I don’t laugh the same anymore, I don’t smile the same anymore, or talk the same.  I’m just so tired of everything, mentally.

How can a man throw away a girl who is working on her future, working hard, who’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, and that genuinely loves him and only wants to be with him and is proud to have him, like how is a man so dumb.

There’s still women out here that don’t want anything from a man. Not money, materialistic things, nothing…nothing but trust, love, support, and lots of affection.  I’m her.  She is me.  I’m one of those women.

You don’t’ know pain until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face and you’re begging yourself to just hold on and be strong. THAT is pain.

Have you ever been so sad that you just really want to be alone, but at the same time you really wish there was someone who you can talk to.

My dear, it is not that I fear falling in love. I am in love with many things in this world.  I love animals, I love my family, I love my friends, I love sunsets, I love a lot of things.  What I do fear, however, is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they do not feel the same about me.  To me, that is how you die while still breathing and you can never recover from that no matter how hard you try.  The scariest part about that is that you’re never going to know if you’re falling for the wrong person.  That’s what I’m afraid of.

 ^^^That is 100% me/my reality.  I wish it was more like this:

Don’t worry, he’ll miss you. You’re the best he could get, and he blew it.  Don’t let him make you think for one second that this was your fault.  It’s not.  He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So sad

Tags

, , , ,

It’s a beautiful summer day. The sky is blue, the birds are chirping, and the temperature is near perfection at 71 degrees.  And yet here I sit at my desk with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I wish I was a carefree kid again.  I wish I was on summer break with no substantial worries or concerns.  I wish I could spend the night with friends, laugh hysterically until my stomach hurts, binge on junk food, and sleep in until 11:00am.  I wish I didn’t have to stress about bills, household chores, home improvements, what to make for dinner, how to get everything done, work, relationships, etc.

Since I can’t pull a Freaky Friday and be a kid again, I wish I was a person that embraced change, but I’m not. I like a routine.  I like stability and security, but that is not what life is handing me these days.

My co-worker of fourteen years/one of my besties resigned and work is not the same without her. We shared an office and looking over at her empty desk just makes me sad.  I can’t even get into the craziness of what we dealt with at work, but she made it not only tolerable; she made it fun.  I have a couple of jobs and at my other job (as race coordinator) my boss, the race director, has also resigned.  Two people that I genuinely enjoyed working with have called it quits.  While I hope for nothing but the best for each of them, it’s hard to see them go.

For my full time job, without the companionship of my work bestie, and the fact that my director can’t lead the way out of a paper bag, I need to find a new job. That’s hard especially because I’ve been there for 20 years (yes…20), I don’t like change (as mentioned above), and I have a dream schedule with the flexibility to work from home at times.  I certainly don’t want to give up that flexibility, but it’s just not good – there’s no direction or leadership and I’m not feeling challenged or like I’m working to my fullest potential.  I’m just there.  I want more than just being there.  I have more to offer than just being there.

At home I feel overwhelmed with the multitude of things that need done and the amount of time and budget I have as a single mom. My garage is a mess – – and still holds some of Matt’s shit – GRRRRRR – – the same is true for my basement, back yard, and spare bedroom.  None of that crap holds any sentimental value to me; some of it is just too big/bulky/heavy for me to toss in the trash.  His old shitty riding mower sits in my back yard with no key and a flat tire so how I am ever going to get rid of that?  On top of that, I have walls that need painted, trim that needs repaired (shout out to my golden doodle who chewed that), carpet that needs replaced, a fence and deck that need stained, a basement that is so full of the kiddo’s old stuff that I get anxiety just going downstairs.  Omg…the list could go on for days.

And the worst…my love life. I don’t think I have the strength to ramble on and on about it, but…I have been in a relationship for about 9 months.  It’s a great story – – a cheer coach (me) and soccer coach fall in love.  Now we all know there’s lots more details and information to be shared, but that’s the gist of it.  The cheer coach finally found a man with character and integrity, a man with an outgoing and fun personality, a man that is fantastic with kids, a man that treats her well, a man with a heart of gold.  This man teaches geography, is a soccer and unified track coach, and assists with swimming.  He’s funny, cute, thoughtful, and sweet. He’s sensitive and hard working.  He gives great speeches and encouragement.  He accepts people for who they are.  He’s helpful and kind.  He would do anything for anyone.  He makes me laugh.  He can cook.  He’s organized and efficient.  He’s a great dad who loves his boys so very much.  He’s got a great sense of style.  He’s athletic.  He’s smart.  He’s always chatty and friendly to the uber driver. He’s up for a night out and fine with a night in.  He’s competitive at board games.  He’s silly. He likes naps (like me).  You get it, right?  He’s amazing and such a catch.

What’s so heartbreaking about all of this is that our relationship is taking a break or ending or whatever because of circumstances completely out of my control. I guess that’s the way it goes for the end of most relationships.  Sometimes it’s mutual, but often there is one person that wants nothing more but to stay together.  Well that’s me again…I want nothing more but to stay together.

It would still hurt, but I could understand things better if our relationship was full of drama, or fighting, or lies, or anything negative, but we didn’t have that. We got along great.  We had fun together.  We trusted each other.  We laughed and confided in each other.  We made each other happy.  We had similar values.  We had things in common.  We worked hard at being open and honest with each other knowing that communication is so important.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why I’m always the one to get my heart broken. I am so hesitant to open up in a relationship and to be emotionally vulnerable.  When I finally do break through that insecurity and open up…this happens…my heart gets shredded to pieces again.

I don’t want to get into all of the details, but basically things are ending because of his ex-wife and a very busy schedule. To me, these are not good reasons to end something so good.  A busy schedule – – we could be creative and make it work.  I have a total of 3 jobs (health promotion, race coordinator, cheer coach) and I’m a single mom.  I know and live a busy schedule.  He’s obviously not teaching during the summer, but he’s crazy busy coaching and traveling for soccer. But to me…that’s okay.  I don’t have to see him every single day to feel important or connected to him.  On top of the stress of soccer madness, he’s dealing with an ex-wife that, well…you can probably guess.  I think it’s just all too much for him.  He’s a great person and he tries hard to make everyone happy.  I wish he could see and understand that his happiness matters too.  I wish that when life was extra chaotic he turned to me instead of pushed me away.  I want to be the hand he holds, not the one he brushes away.  It’s so hard because I know he never wanted to hurt me…but here I am tears and all.

I start to feel almost guilty or stupid because I need to find my own happiness with or without a man. I need to be thankful for what I do have – – and I am, but I right now I’m just so sad.  I’m sitting here writing and taking occasional breaks looking out the window of my 5th floor office questioning everything about this life.

I want so bad to see that dandelion as a wish, not just a weed – kind of the metaphor for my life.

FullSizeR (5)

Will I ever trust again?

Do you ever have moments when all the shit you’ve been though suddenly begins to consume you? It really hits you – – all the lies, all the deceit, and all the sickening, selfish betrayal and you realize it might haunt you forever, especially in any future relationships you might have?  What an awful feeling.

The pain that I’ve experienced has made me so hesitant to show my emotions. I am so reluctant about opening up and letting people in.  Behind closed doors, there are times that the tears fall and I feel so defeated and sad.  When it’s a more upfront and personal encounter that makes my emotions flare, I’m likely to be sarcastic or to cop a mean girl attitude.

I hate that my past has made me so untrusting. I hate that I question whether people are really being honest with me.  I hate that the doubts and insecurities are still there, even when the two men that caused most of them are long gone.

I hate that even when it involves someone or something that I should indeed trust, I still have doubts. I hate that even when I feel happy I still have occasional dreams of someone (okay a MAN) lying to me or hurting me.

I hate that what I’ve been through has probably made me not the easiest gal to date because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my emotions, I have a very hard time trusting, and I jump to conclusions or go into “he’s full of shit” mode on a fairly regular basis.

I am so guarded. I’d rather be seen as independent, assertive, and tough then needy, clingy, and emotional.

Deep Sigh. Deep Sigh. Deep Sigh.

I know it’s probably at least somewhat normal to feel this way. There’s probably countless other ladies walking in the same shoes as me – – feeling just as doubtful because some jackasses did her wrong too.  I know that things take time, including learning to trust again.

I know that opening yourself up and giving someone a piece of your heart is always a risk…there is always the potential to have it ripped to shreds. My friends, it can’t just be me.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it gain, that’s some scary shit.

 

Holy emotions! (written last week, posted today)

It’s currently 1:32pm on Thursday, January 18, 2018. The temperature is a whopping 26 degrees.  I just had lunch with a girlfriend.  What I am doing now?  I’m in my car using the back of an old cheer schedule to document my feelings…trying to process some big emotions.  The restaurant we had lunch at is next to the bar where I confronted Matt.  Confronted Matt?!?  What’s that you say???

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever shared this information on my blog due to humiliation, shame, and not wanting to be judged or told what to do (insert comments such as: LEAVE HIS CHEATING ASS), but yes like my ex-husband, Matt also cheated on me.  It’s the self-esteem equivalent of being run over by a MACK truck multiple times.  If I have the timeline correct it was spring/early summer of 2015…about a year into our relationship.  Why bring that up now?

Like previously mentioned, things with Matt pretty much ended last Memorial Day weekend when he lied about taking Xanax. Yesterday it was brought to my attention that Matt is in a “Facebook official” relationship.  Um okay…whatev – – why do I care?  I’ve moved on; he’s moved on.  Deep sigh…it’s more than that.

Seeing “in a relationship with…” hit me like a ton of bricks…holy emotions! I felt almost sick; like nauseous…but why?  I spent almost 3 years with Matt.  In the beginning, he absolutely swept me off my feet.  After my divorce, he restored my faith in men and in relationships.  He is extremely charismatic and comes across as incredibly sincere and genuine.  He can pour on the charm and affection like he pours syrup on his pancakes – – think ooey gooey sugary sweet.  Look, I know this to be true because I experienced it first hand and he did the same thing with the woman he cheated with – – who just happens to also be named Courtney.  There’s a good chance he’s doing the same thing with the newest chica in his life.  It makes me want to vomit because I feel like I should have been smarter and more protective of my already damaged heart.  I should have listened closer to Nicole and Brooke, the ex-wives, who both reached out to me.  Shit…hindsight is everything.

After what I went through with Ben, I should have dropped Matt like a hot potato when the first red flag made an appearance. But as you know, I didn’t.  By that time, I had my love goggles on and I was under his magnetic spell.  We had what felt like an electrifying, captivating, exhilarating spark; it was so damn intense and energizing – – just what I needed after the ex’s affair that lasted for years.  I’m not going to sit here and act like I didn’t fall head over heels in love, because I did, and we really did have some fantastic times together, especially that first year (well you know…before the cheating).  I still want to believe we had a special connection.

As I sit here in the parking lot looking at the now closed bar that the other Courtney and I confronted him at…my stomach is in knots and that pain, anger, and sadness is rushing back. Courtney and I set him up.  I walked in and they were playing pool (we had talked and she told me where they’d be/what time to come).  When he saw me, you would have thought he had seen the most terrifying ghost to ever exist.  We all sat down at a booth…me on one side, him and Courtney on the other.  We called him out and he did what liars do…um yes…told lies while I pointed out the contradictions and the truth.

I remember looking at him and he was sweating like he had just finished a marathon on a hot, summer day. For once, the charismatic man with all the answers and excuses wasn’t able to charmingly talk his way out of this one.

At one point in our heated conversation he said, “I love her; I don’t love you” – – oh fucking really?!?!!? You don’t love me??? It would have hurt less and I would have healed quicker if he had punched me in the face.  Eventually she got up and walked out.  He chased after her…yep her, the other woman.  I sat in the booth in a numbed state of shock and utter disbelief.  When I found the strength to get up, I saw him in the parking lot very close to the spot where I’m currently parked.  She drove off and he was left standing there.  I melted into a bawling mess of emotions – – buckets of tears were running down my face; I could barely catch my breath or speak.  I felt paralyzed.  What the hell could I do…my head was spinning, I was practically choking from crying so hard.  I couldn’t think straight.  I turned to him, the man that had just destroyed me, for comfort or for something…I’m not even sure what.  We hugged, I think he apologized, and the rest is rather hazy.  At one point, I remember asking for my house key back.  Several sleepless nights and tear filled days followed.

I can’t even fathom how we put the pieces back together or what the fuck I was really thinking (probably that I didn’t want to lose the man that I loved). This much I know…when someone you love cheats on you, regardless of how angry or sad you are…you don’t instantly stop loving them and stop having feelings for them – – no matter what kind of hell they put you through, it takes time to heal.

Matt and I were back together and watching fireworks with the 3 youngest kiddos that Fourth of July. I don’t know if I really ever healed from that devastation.  If I had, would I be sitting here at this exact spot recalling the excruciating details of the confrontation?  Probably not.  At one point I was so enthralled with that man that I couldn’t share his cheating on my blog – – even with the reassurance that those who only know me in the world of cyberspace would most likely not judge, they would support me.  It’s kind of funny or maybe… it’s actually really sad that more judgments and criticism come from those that actually know you and claim to love you – – go figure!  My mom knew, my ex-husband knew.  Some of my closest friends knew, but I couldn’t find the courage to write about it until now.  Wowzers.

So the knowledge of Matt in a new relationship brought up all this emotional yuck – hmmm…clearly, this lady had some unprocessed emotions – – story of my life. For about .00001 second I was like, I don’t know, jealous (if that’s even the right word) because I know how amazing, attentive, and thoughtful he is at the start of a relationship.  But then flashbacks of all the drama, unpredictability, instability, manipulation, lies, deception, unfaithfulness, lack of finances, blame, guilt, and prescription drug abuse reminded me…that doesn’t make for a healthy or happy relationship.

I think it’s normal to feel a sting when you know your ex has moved on. For me the bigger anxiety producer was the cold reminder that there are no guarantees in love.  You can pour your heart and soul, everything you have into a relationship, and it might not be enough.  A man can tell you are his world and the next minute he can be secretly fucking someone else and/or making plans to break your heart. That is some scary shit  – – especially when you’ve been hurt multiple times.

I came to an interesting realization the other day

Tags

, ,

If you didn’t catch my last post (or simply skipped over it because it was super long), my parents are currently living with me until their home is restored. In regards to TV watching, I don’t have anything but Amazon and Netflix.  My parents wanted more than that, so they temporarily transferred their Direct TV service to my home.  No complaints here as I’ve been able to catch a fair number of trashy reality TV shows on Bravo – – that’s totally a guilty pleasure of mine.

With all that watching, I came to the realization that Matt is very similar to Jax Taylor from the show Vanderpump Rules.

Image result for jax taylor

I mean damn…Jax is um…FLIPPING HOT, but it’s so much more than that and that’s where the similarities come in. It’s been probably 3-4 years since I last had Direct TV and saw an episode of the show.  It’s crazy how the same dramatic people are still doing the same dramatic things – fighting, gossiping, cheating, lying, and getting wasted.

I remember watching episodes where Jax had slept with multiple women and of course lied about it. While his friends and co-workers were disgusted with his behavior, he always found a way to weasel his way back in or make some excuse for his behavior.

In a twisted way, he’s kind of fascinating to watch. His personality is like Matt’s (or vice versa).  He has an undeniable amount of charisma and charm.  He’s for sure a bit of a narcissist, a compulsive liar, and a womanizer.  Both are some smooth talkers – – the types that could sell ice to an Eskimo.

Jax is uber manipulative. He can flash a smile and bat his gorgeous eyes and then fill a head with one fabrication after another.  Matt can do that too. Do I know Jax? Um no, but I can see that both exude extraordinary charm and because of that, they can make a woman believe the most outlandish shit. Some people just have this knack for explaining their way out of every situation possible.  They will do and say anything to get you to believe them.  They will lie, blame, twist, manipulate, play the victim, and produce tears…whatever it takes and it will seem pretty genuine and sincere; pretty believable.

It seems like this type of person has a magnetic even hypnotic personality – – they can be super fun to be around. Their charm makes them very amusing and likeable.  They have big personalities and bigger faults – – but you get so captivated by their charm, attention, and affection that you don’t see things for what they really are.  You are captivated and blinded by the charisma that just oozes out of them so naturally.  And you know what… at least for Matt…I don’t think he’s some dark, demented person.  I think he’s a good person with a big heart.  He has many great qualities.  However, after looking back on things, I can much more clearly see the manipulation and scheming that took place.  Sadly, I think the overuse of prescription meds just compounded everything and created another layer of deceitfulness.  I mean…have you ever encountered complete transparency and consistent truth by someone abusing a substance?  No, you haven’t.

This is so accurate….

They seem like the perfect boyfriend, and in the beginning they are attentive, thoughtful, generous, and kind. You become enamored and are swept off your feet.  Although you maybe hear murmurings from friends or family (or in my case, Matt’s ex-wife) that he seems “too nice” you brush aside their comments. You only have eyes for him, and in those eyes, he’s “the one.”

The relationship moves quickly and he makes you feel chosen and special as if the secrets he shares are only between you two. He seeks your sympathy; telling you woes about his life and the people who have taken advantage of or hurt him.  He might even speak disparagingly about his “crazy”  ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, and you swallow the one-sided character assassination without question.

But for all of his perfect manners and perfect smile and perfectly attentive demeanor, this perfect catch hides a tremendous secret: beneath his polished and smiling façade is the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing.  He will disguise his true nature until it’s too late, and by then, you will have given your heart to this man.  You will have believed the flattery and promises of endless love until you are older, wiser, and emotionally crushed by his ways.

Ahhhh…another broken heart that has healed and another life lesson learned.

I’m just so thankful that I have moved forward and that I feel much more motivated to write, connect with God, and workout.

And I don’t care how smoking hot he is, no man is worth dishonesty and manipulation.