Tags
alternative school, anger, authentic, back to school, classes, confidence, daughter, disappointment, first day of school, grades, graduation, half day school, Happy, healthy, high school, hurt, karma, no motivation, online school, parenting, potential, self-esteem, self-worth, single parent, teen, teenager, trauma, unhealthy relationship, virtual school, worth
The district that we live in welcomed kids back to school today. The pictures and the glowing sentiments from proud parents left me feeling sad. Unlike them, I won’t get the annual back-to-school photo. I won’t get to sneak an encouraging note into her backpack. I don’t know what was served at lunch. I won’t hear about the first day and the “suffering” of sitting through multiple lists of expectations and rules. I won’t get any details about the classes, the teachers, the peers that she grew up with, or the location of her locker. I won’t get to pick a tired and sweaty kid up from her first day of school sports practice.
*Sigh*
A couple weeks into the school year last year we transferred out of the district. My daughter hated everything about the school. I’m not ready to share all that transpired but it was awful – problem after problem. Life showed us that it didn’t matter what school she attended, she was not going to be happy, she was not going to cooperate, and she was not going to give a shit about rules or grades.
After a handful of different options, I believe it was sometime in early March (the timeline in all the chaos is a little fuzzy) that we found an option that was okay – a computer-based, half-day, alternative program hosted by a nearby school corporation. That seems to be our best option again this school year. So this afternoon, my ex came over and we had a discussion with our daughter. She wasn’t happy, but that’s nothing new. She sat at the kitchen table with her hood up, facing the wall and not us. She won’t even look us (or anyone) in the eye. It’s both aggravating and heartbreaking, and probably part of the hurt and trauma she’s endured. She wants to do school virtually, but we can’t get on board with that (at least not right now). We’ve unsuccessfully tried virtual three different times. When a kid has no motivation, virtual is not exactly a viable option. And Lord knows the girl needs to come out of her bedroom and have constructive time away from her phone and communication with certain people.
What matters most is that she earns credits, graduates, and comes to realize her full potential – and her value/worth. While I know that, I can’t help but feel like I was robbed of the “normal” high school experience (for parents). I have coached cheer for 16 years and through a previous position at the hospital, I also worked in the schools. I’ve been on the PTA, served as a room mom, organized camps for kids and team dinners for athletes, served as a member of the school health council – all the things, and yet, here I am not experiencing the most special school moments with my own child.
I’m sure it’s normal for me to feel this way – like a form of disappointment or grief. And I know…I know…my daughter is not me. She is allowed to be who she wants to be and to pursue the things she has an interest in. The problem is, I don’t feel like she’s being her true, authentic self. If she never encountered and connected with the wrong person (or people), I truly think she’d still be making the honor roll (or at least passing most of her classes), shooting hoops for the basketball team, creating amazing art, having an interest in some type of education/training after high school, steering clear of substances (maybe), not being so defiant and angry, and more readily tolerating me as her mother.
Like damn…I’d love to see her dressing up in the game theme and hanging out in the student section, participating in homecoming festivities, joining a new club, going to dances, finding the perfect prom dress, and radiating confidence (heck…I’d even take little sprinkles of confidence or little shimmers of self-esteem). That’s not where we’re at – and it hurts. I want so much for her to be healthy and happy. I don’t want perfection. I don’t want an obedient little mini-me. I want a girl that knows her worth, demands respect in a relationship, likes herself, believes in herself, and stays true to who she really is. And to the person/people who have bullied her, used her, maliciously hurt and treated her like trash – making her question her own worth – you mother fuckers (I’m referencing one main person, but I’m sure others are guilty, too) can have the day/life you deserve and that’s putting it nicely. Jesus is holding me accountable and I’m doing my darndest to filter what I really want to type.