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anger, calm, compassion, control, courage, empathy, helpless, hopeless, losing my shit, love, million dollar question, parent support group, protect, rage, rational, resiliency, strength, support, taunting, triggered, validate
I turned to a Facebook support group for parents – one that was suggested to me. I got up the courage to post last night and ask for advice. The first comment I received started like this, “Unfortunately, you are pretty much helpless and hopeless in this situation.” Well…fucking great. Thanks, Bonnie – thanks for what feels like a lack of empathy and bold bluntness. Perhaps, this is why I prefer animals over people.
I’m not seeking the magic answer (well…actually I am, but I know that’s not realistic). However, I’d like to believe that there is hope. If there’s not…I don’t even know how to finish that sentence/thought.
Maybe Bonnie is right and it just hurts to hear it. I’d like to believe that Miss B. was trying to help me with her response, but telling me I cannot control my daughter is not helpful. I know I cannot control her. Trust me. I learned the hard way that I cannot. Instead, I’d like to protect her. I’d like to help her see that the way she is being treated is 100% unacceptable.
This is swirling through my stressed-out head, almost taunting me:
“You won’t be able to control who she sees or who she loves or who she chooses to be with.” Okay…that might be true but that doesn’t mean that I just sit back and do nothing. This son of a bitch deserves the worst of the worst and I won’t stop fighting until my daughter sees it.
However, what I can do and what I need to do is stop getting so triggered. When my daughter comes to this scumbag’s defense, instead of straight losing my shit I need to remain calm and rational. I need to remember that I’m the one with the fully developed un-brainwashed mind. I need to lower my voice and control the rage that burns inside of me. I need to do the opposite of what Bonnie unintentionally did. I need to validate, show compassion and empathy, and stop responding harshly.
BUT HOW??? When every fiber of your mama bear heart is in shreds – when you are beyond sad and angry that this fucking situation ever occurred – when you want to absolutely pulverize the perpetrator – when you feel so much disgust and disdain – when the human that you created and love more than anything is mad at you and the world…How, how does one find the strength and resiliency to keep it all together and remain not only sane but also composed?
Today, that is the million-dollar question and until I get the winning answer, I guess I either give up and call it hopeless or keep on trying.
For now, at least, I’m scrolling through some saved Bible verses/images and then heading downstairs for a workout. I’m begging the universe to see that I’m trying.
iamfindingaway's Blog 
Helpless, yes. I would never say hopeless. You have 17 years clocked of loving your daughter and teaching her values and character and THAT DOES MEAN SOMETHING. It may not give you your magic answer today, but it does give you hope. No, you cannot compete with a manipulative predator who is preying on your vulnerable daughter- *you* will not win against him. But your daughter might. Keep giving her the tools she needs (love and support, unconditionally) and let’s hope she does.
Aww, Abby! I wish I could give you a hug. You are always so kind and encouraging. I promise that here behind my little screen, your words and your kindness do matter to me.
Thank you. 🥰