Tags
alone, anxiety, blessings, coping, decision making, decisions, drama queen, emotions, exhuasting, finances, hate myself, home renovation, meltdown, mental breakdown, normal, outlets, overthinking, overwhelmed, parenting, pity, questions, sad, self-pity, single parent, stress, struggle, tears, why
Some days I hate the way I am. I have a brain that worries about everything and second-guesses everything – like painstakingly so. I cannot comprehend how someone can make a decision, happily move forward, and not give it another thought. My brain does not allow me to do that. Instead, I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder if I made the wrong decision. I wonder about the ramifications of every possible scenario. It. Is. Exhausting. From the youngest age, I remember being a worrier.
Today, my worrying led to a full meltdown. You see…I’m having my roof replaced and not because I want to. It’s a good 20+ years old so it is time. Late summer/early fall I started getting estimates from different roofing companies. I about fell over and needed oxygen when I saw the quotes. But I digress…
I found a guy and his reviews were great. He came over in September, took a look at my roof, and gave me a quote. I decided to go with him. His schedule was booked until late December (and here we are on 12/21). I sent him an email just to see what kind of timeline I was looking at – and low and behold – another customer pushed back their roof renovation until after the holidays. So…I was up! He asked if he could start the job the next day. Well, yes sir, you can. The only thing left to decide was the color of the shingles.
My humble little abode is light gray with speckled brick and black shutters. I saved the brochures the roofing companies provided when they did their estimates. Moire black was the color I liked – I even circled it on the pamphlets! I was good to go, until…until…my brain asked someone their opinion; until my brain decided I better get on Google and look at moire black vs. pewter (my second choice). Down the shingle rabbit hole I went. I read about moire black being super popular. I read about moire black (or any black) getting hot in the summer and potentially increasing energy costs. I read about pewter looking bluish, not gray. WHY DO I DO THIS?
I emailed the roofer. I asked if BOTH moire and pewter shingles would be on the truck so I could see them in person and not be forced to make my decision solely from a glossy little promotional swatch. Well, he made that happen and guess what – I stood there like an indecisive fool not able to decide which color I liked.
Sample shingles were pulled off the truck, set on the street for me to compare the colors, held up to the brick, held up to the siding – and STILL, all I could think about was the thousands of dollars I was spending and not feeling confident about which shingle color to select. Eventually, I let the roofer and the truck driver talk me into the pewter. Actually, I don’t know if they talked me into it. They answered my questions and probably inadvertently swayed my indecisive mind. Pewter it was.
I got in my car and headed back to work, but first I pulled to the side of the road (actually the side of my house) and sent my mom this text – I hate this stuff so much. I like the black, but the guys working recommend the gray (pewter). Why am I like this???? Why do I worry about everything? I HATE IT.
I literally started to feel so overwhelmed and tears filled my eyes. I don’t know if it was the shingle color shit show, the sheer amount of money I was about to spend, or that dreaded feeling of being single and having to do everything alone – – making ALL the decisions and paying for EVERYTHING. Not a spouse (or significant other) in sight to help! The burden was (and always is) on me and me alone.
Am I so burned out that I can’t handle much of anything anymore? Am I really struggling this much over black vs. gray shingles? WTF? Have I lost my resilience and become softer than the snowflakes I won’t see this Christmas (with a high of 55 degrees)? Again…I digress…
To get back to work, I drove through the new subdivision connected to mine. I was already regretting my decision to not follow my gut and there in front of my weary eyes was house after house with black roofs. Just ugh…sometimes I hate me. If I get home tonight and don’t like the pewter I see, someone please do me a solid and poke my eyes out with candy canes.
It’s not a long drive back to work, but I felt so sad and overwhelmed. My fat, sad self went right to McDonald’s. What else does a sad and overwhelmed girlie do but drown her sorrows in French fries and spicy Coke? Even typing this at this very moment, tears are filling my eyes. Why? I have so many blessings in my life, but today I just feel sorry for myself and my situation. I’m exhausted by decisions and a brain that OVERTHINKS 24/7. I’m almost grieving writing this check for thousands of dollars…for a fucking roof. I can be grateful for my home, but still so bummed that I’m not able to take a dream vacation with that money, right? Is that normal or am I just a drama queen?
As 2024 approaches, we’re getting close to 4 years of struggles with my daughter. I’m a tired mama. All of that chaos and conflict and just plain sadness has to be factored into my emotional breakdown today, right? I can’t be THIS crazy over black vs. gray shingles. I can’t be THIS overwhelmed over writing a check. I have a new remote side hustle that will help my savings account to recover, but DAMN some days are so hard. I do my best to push forward, but clearly, my body is carrying a lot of bottled up stress, anxiety, sadness and overwhelm. I need some new outlets and coping mechanisms because ridin’ front row on the self-pity bus ain’t no fun!