Tags
abandonment, abuse, abuser, anger, boyfriend, Christmas, coping, custody, dad, daughter, divorce, emotions, father, healing, homewrecker, hope, maninpulation, mental health, parenting, predatory, rage, rejected, roller coaster, sad, serotonin, teen, teenager, trauma, unhappy, unhealthy relationship, unwanted, vulnerable, worthless
For a gal that loves all things Christmas – decorated trees, glowing lights, gift giving, cranberry and balsam scented candles, Christmas music, Hallmark holiday movies, candy canes, peppermint hot chocolate and much more, today I feel sad. The holly jolly I should be feeling is more gloomy and melancholy. It’s kind of weird. Winter often brings depressingly gray, overcast skies here in the Midwest, but today it’s actually sunny. The bright blue sky should give me a much-needed serotonin boost, but that’s not happening. I’m zapped of energy and motivation.
The roller coaster that is the teenage years has beaten me down. And the fact that my daughter’s teenage years have been 1 million times harder than I could have ever predicted – – mostly due to the male species (her father and her “boyfriend”/abuser…yep, that’s what I’m now calling him) fills me with RAGE.
Most days my daughter is unhappy and negative, and she rarely shares her raw, unfiltered emotions. But when she does (and she did recently)…a whole lot of ugly truth comes out. She often acts like she doesn’t care about her dad, but when she is open and honest – it kills her that he left. She internalized his abandonment and there is a gaping place in her heart where she desperately wants to feel like she matters to her dad. I have had this conversation with him countless times, but he doesn’t see it. He thinks he’s doing “enough” by taking her to/from school a few times a week and once every 2-3 months asking if she wants to go over to his house – – she rarely does. She’s been there 1 time in the last 6 months.
To add salt to her wounds, my daughter has watched her dad step up and be a decent parent to her half-siblings. His girlfriend (the same one I reference as the “homewrecker” in my very first posts) works evenings/nights so my daughter’s father has always had to step up and parent his two younger kids. He hasn’t had the same type of opportunity to run around like a wild, carefree, unhinged bachelor as he did while married to me.
His affair started when our daughter was 2. I officially filed for divorce when she was 8. There were many years that she hardly saw her dad. We’ve never had a 50/50 custody agreement. When we were going through all of the divorce-related decision-making, we were lax and agreed that we’d sort of let our daughter “take the lead.” I thought we were co-parenting and doing what was best for our daughter without the mandated burden of her having to pack a suitcase once a week or e/o weekend. At that time, I didn’t realize it was providing an additional opportunity for her dad to be uninvolved/basically non-existent. I never thought she would go weeks and even months without seeing her dad. I thought it would give her time to adjust without the pressure and inconvenience of the 45-minute drive to her dad’s every week and without the awkwardness of being in the other woman’s home (until my daughter was ready). I thought it was creating a more gentle, peaceful environment – that we would work together and my daughter wouldn’t be caught in the middle doing the dreaded divorced parent household shuffle. The distance (the 45 minutes, was always mentioned) so I thought this man might stop by once or twice a week after work (as he works closer to our house than he lives). I thought he would stop over and shoot hoops with our daughter, swim in the pool, ride bikes with her, take her to dinner or for ice cream, take her to the movies, etc. I was willing to leave the home to not interfere with “daddy/daughter time.” Yeah, that never happened. I’m just going to end it there because I could rant for centuries about this fucked up situation and the number of times I have asked this man to step up.
Google got it right when I asked this – What are the effects of child abandonment by the father?
The child who experiences abandonment feels unwanted, rejected by his or her own parents, and deals with feelings of worthlessness that cause shame. Unpleasant experiences can significantly alter children’s perception of their relationships with others.
So you take all of that trauma and then my young teenage daughter is targeted by an older guy – a calculated, manipulative, fake, lying, predatory, scum of a human being. One that lied about his age. When they first met, she was 14; he said he was 16 – a deliberate, intentional lie. I’m not prepared or comfortable sharing much more, but he knew exactly what he was doing to try and begin a relationship with my daughter. He knew her age; knew that she was vulnerable, and he took advantage of that. I’m going to share just the tiniest little glimpse into how he (now) speaks to her. He did what predators do – he was kind, caring, attentive, and sweet in the beginning. This is his typical demeanor now – these words were sent via text, but in person, he is just as abhorrent and WORSE.
“You’re not important”
“KYS” (kill yourself)
“I can do so much better than you”
“You don’t control me”
“Bitch”
Imagine a man saying that to you. Imagine a man saying that to your teenage daughter. Anger runs rampant through my veins. I’d like to beat the fucking shit out of that bastard.
And now…I have a daughter that has lost her spark. I have a daughter that is sad and angry. I have a daughter who is defiant. I have a daughter who doesn’t want to cope in healthy ways. I have a daughter who feels worthless. I have a daughter who actually believes the garbage this man has told her. I have a daughter who doesn’t want to take meds for her mental health.
Someone failed her – maybe it was me, maybe it was her dad, maybe it was the universe. Without any type of uncertainty, I do know this…her abuser is to blame and he can rot in hell for eternity. Is that the Christian way? No. But today I choose violence because I have zero tolerance for abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual), especially of a minor.
We need healing and hope. I’m tired of telling myself I’ll feel better/more motivated tomorrow.