Tags
attorney, bad day, claim, exhausted, fun, HOA, humor, laugh, letter, petty, potty mouth, sarcasm, sass, sued, writing, wtf
I know someone out there can relate. Imagine this…You have a long day at work. Your brain is toast from looking at the logistics of a large event and trying to do everything possible to safely hold the event – – each and every aspect of the event has to be scrutinized to help minimize any possible spread of COVID-19. You put together a comprehensive list of potential precautions. You send your list to a medical advisory board and wait to hear back. In the meantime, you meticulously review your plans for set up, signage, supplies, etc. You feel exhausted. You’ve had enough. Your work day ends and you go home.
Once home, you let the dogs out and start collecting the trash because tomorrow is trash day. You load up your wheeled green cart and head to the end of the drive. It’s windy…like crazy windy. As you reach the end of your drive, a strong gust of wind appears; the lid of the trash bin flies up and straight wallops you in the head. You pause for a brief moment, almost in disbelief that the universe could be that big of a bitch. Next, you place your hand on your battered forehead and let out a well deserved, “What the fuck?”
You attempt to compose yourself and wonder which neighbor captured the fiasco on their security cam. Since you’re at the end of your drive anyway, you grab your mail. There’s only one lone envelope inside. Once it’s in your hands and your vision returns to a somewhat normal state, you see that the letter is from a law firm. Yes, you guessed correctly – – a second “What the fuck?” finds its way of your potty mouth. You open it and start reading. You are instantly annoyed. The letter incorrectly claims that you did not pay your annual HOA fee and that if you don’t pay the original fee plus some dumbass attorney fee, you’ll be sued. With your forehead now developing a bump, you stand there and shake your head in disbelief. At this point, you’re done. You’re reached you’re limit. You say to yourself….”Not today, Lisa (name of attorney) NOT TODAY!”
Once back inside your home, you find your phone and give Miss Lisa a call. Of course, no direct line is listed so you must use the company directory. Just to complicate the situation and add to your growing aggravation, Miss Lisa has what appears to be two last names and the automated directory decides to be an asshole and not find either name. Eventually it cooperates and you reach her voicemail. You leave a message but you are so fired up at that point that you just ramble and don’t even know if your message made sense.
After closer examination you read that federal law states that if’ you’d like to dispute the validity of the claim against you, that you must do so in writing. You think…”Okay, okay…it’s on!”
You sit down to write your formal denial letter and then you remember that writing is your therapy. You know that when you write, you’re able to process ugly emotions, clear your head and just feel better. So…you take the aggravation of the day, combine it with a fierce level of pettiness, sarcasm and sass and decide to have a little fun. I mean, you might as well, according to Miss Lisa you’re federally mandated to reply anyway. Keep reading if you’d like an opportunity to see the most petty letter that I believe I have ever written. To me it’s the equivalent of someone feeling like they unfairly received a parking ticket and paying their fees in pennies. Here goes…
Dear Ms. *, June 10, 2020
On June 10, 2020 I received a letter in the mail from you incorrectly stating that I have not paid my annual Homeowners Association fee. I do not appreciate receiving this letter and being threatened by legal action.
May I suggest that you follow up with whoever incorrectly informed you that the fee was not paid?
In response to your statement, “If you want to resolve this matter without a lawsuit, you must pay to the undersigned $45.00, plus attorney’s fees in the amount of $35.00 for a total payment of $80.00” – – that’s not going to happen. Instead, perhaps someone should reimburse me for the following:
- The time it took me to leave you a voicemail message
- The time it took me to send a message to my HOA
- The time it took me to open, read and respond to your letter
- The postage it cost me to send this letter (as federal law gives me thirty (30) days after receipt of your letter to dispute the validity of the debt or any part of it by notifying you in writing that I dispute it)
- The time it took me to find the cancelled check for the payment that I did indeed make
If you need to know, the check (#3052) was written and mailed on February 1, 2020. My guess is that the payment was either lost in the mail (should you need to contact the USPS, feel free to do so) or perhaps not deposited by the HOA in a timely manner – – both of these things, as you know, I have no control over. However, I can confirm that the check did not clear my bank account until April 28, 2020 so my best, educated guess is that there was an issue after the check left my hands and my mailbox. I did receive a receipt in the mail for the payment, but unfortunately, I no longer have it. Honestly, I was quite surprised myself as to why it arrived so late. Let’s call it for what it is…a real mystery!
If you’re still not satisfied, feel free to follow up with my attorney. If requested, I will happily share his contact information with you. In fact, I’m sure he’d like to know that in these troubling times I found your threat of legal action added undue and unnecessary stress and anxiety to my day. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe in the legal world the correct terminology is emotional distress.
I certainly hope that my reputation as an upstanding resident in the * Neighborhood will not be tarnished. I am distraught in thinking about the damage a seemingly lost envelope/payment could invoke. Who would have guessed it?
Being the rational and reasonable individual that I am, I will delightfully accept a formal written apology in an upcoming HOA newsletter or in our neighborhood Facebook group. Similar to the expectations of your law firm, I’m sure that I’ll be reading that apology within thirty (30) days after you receive this letter.
In conclusion, I fully acknowledge that this letter is full of pettiness. The reason is – – it’s annoying to be threatened to be sued over a measly $45.00 payment that was actually made. One has to wonder if a much less formal and aggressive method of communication would have sufficed. You know – – a phone call or a note that was not based on intimidation.
I do realize this is not your fault as you’re likely just doing your job, so please don’t take it personally. But let’s also remember that I was mandated to reply. You told me that federal law requires that I dispute the validity of the debt by notifying you in writing. Well, just like that payment I made in February, I am following through on my responsibilities. Furthermore, I’m quite interested in seeing, “the proof of the debt that you plan to obtain and mail to me.” Here’s to hoping you have better luck with USPS delivery than my check did. We don’t want a second mystery.
Should you require further documentation or information, you may reach me on my cell: *, via email: * or send another letter to my home. Both you and the * HOA have my address.
Thank you,
Courtney
P.S. I hope this does not appear on my credit report.