Tags
angry, backtalk, confidence, daughter, drama, frustration, grounded, mom, parenting, school morning, self-hate, teen, teenager, ugly, yelling
The six minute drive to school was unpleasant yet again.
Here’s how it went…I was in the car, impatiently waiting for my teenager to make her appearance. The door from the kitchen to the garage flung open and my moody fourteen year old stormed to the passenger side of the car. She got in, tugged at her shirt and started complaining. I suppose I inadvertently lit the match to start the conversation explosion because I said something about her shirt looking like a crop top. From there it turned into a real shit show.
In all honestly, I don’t recall what her first defensive words were but I know they were filled with self-hate – – something about her body, her face, her makeup, her hair. It’s not a good way to start a day; in fact, after several weeks of similar morning drama I’ve had enough. I’ve tried listening. I’ve tried encouraging. I’ve tried to reason with her. I’ve tried turning the “cool” music on. Nothing works.
On many a morning, I’ve yelled back out of sheer frustration and today might have been the worst yet – – I went bananas. I threatened to stop the car and make her walk to school. I yelled. I cussed. At one point in the midst of her backtalk, I felt like she deserved a smack to her smart mouth. I lost my shit and I’m not proud of it. How come the human being that I created, that I love more than anything in this world can push my buttons like no other? As a mature adult, why do I allow myself to lose my composure like that? I’m the adult…why am I am not staying calm, cool and collected? Like get it together, Courtney. You’re setting the example. You’re not the teenager.
My daughter is already grounded from her phone for a month. In my state of bananas, I informed her that I’m not taking her to school the rest of this week. Instead, she’ll have to be ready 35 minutes earlier so she can ride the bus and if she misses the bus (because getting up is such a struggle for her) I’ll add more time to the grounding from her phone.
A big part of the problem is that she won’t go to bed at a decent time. Before she totally lost her phone, I implemented a new rule that her phone had to be out of her hands/room at 10:00pm each night. I thought that might be the golden ticket to getting her to bed, but nope. She will stay up doing her hair, her makeup, listening to music, organizing her room, etc. I’m not the night owl that I used to be so I don’t stay up micromanaging her and then each school morning I’m the unfortunate soul that experiences her heated meltdowns. She’s already emotional and negative – – top that with a bad hair, makeup or outfit day AND a lack of sleep…it creates the perfect storm for some fiery intense outbursts.
What was far worse than me losing my shit was my daughter saying something so awful about herself. I believe it was, “I’m ugly trash” or something as equally degrading and demeaning. When she said it, it was about 7:50am and I was ready to be done for the day. I wanted to go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. I wanted to hide under my covers and pretend that never happened; that she never spoke such demoralizing words.
Have you ever just wanted to shake your beloved teenager until she sees her value and her worth? Lately, I’ve wanted to shake her for more reasons than that, but the negative self-talk is the worst. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I’ve failed her somehow. Not to mention…it’s hard for me to focus and have a good day when our morning is so rough and I know it must affect her too. How is she supposed to walk into class and be attentive and motivated?
I remember being an emotional teen. I, myself, starred in episodes of yelling, crying and dramatically throwing a hair brush across the room out of frustration and feelings of ugliness. As a grown adult, that seems so ridiculous yet I know the feelings I experienced as a middle school and high school student felt very real. Because of that, at least to a certain extent, I understand how my daughter feels. Her feelings are valid – – they are NOT accurate because of course she’s NOT ugly and she’s NOT trash – – but I get it. Sadly, I feel like some of those thoughts are normal. What teenage girl doesn’t have moments of hating her acne prone skin, hating her frizzy hair, hating how she looks in a particular outfit, hating the size of her forehead, struggles with her weight or anything else? While it is common, it is also heart wrenching. As a mom, you just want your daughter to see herself as you see her – – all of her wonderful qualities, attributes, traits and talents. I think with time my daughter will grow and get to a better emotional place; I sure hope so anyway. If she’s anything like me, her confidence will improve with her age. I’m no beauty queen, but I’m definitely much happier with how I look now than how I looked as a teenager.
As for turning this day around, I’m planning to lace up my shoes, pop in my earbuds and walk some miles to clear my head while also listening to the book, Boundaries with Teens. I’m not giving up on my teen or my relationship with her. Instead I’m going to read, write, pray, walk/run, meditate, and turn to the village that surrounds me for help. My teen also started therapy again. I’m praying it helps with her attitude, confidence and overall happiness.
I don’t know if it’s funny or ironic or what, but the picture posted is from 2 years ago today. That’s my daughter at age 12 sitting in the stands during a football game. She was reading and drawing. Look at the chapter title of what she was reading, “Self-Love, Grounding & Being Present” – – an art book with a strong focus on self-love. Maybe, just maybe by seeing that photo in my Facebook memories today it is the universe telling me to keep pushing, to not give up, that learning to love yourself and be confident takes time, work, patience and perseverance.